Fatherhood Roundtable
They say the backbone of the community is the family. Unfortunately, far too many families lack the essential father figure. . .that’s why we, The Three Doctors, took it upon ourselves to extend our book “The Bond” into an interactive medium with our blog entitled “Fatherhood Roundtable”.
We plan on using our Fatherhood Roundtable to evoke serious topics that we hope will lead to inspiring solutions. We also plan to use this blog as an exchange of fatherhood tips. Thus, we invite you, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and everyone in our community to contribute input, stories and advice and to give accolades to the many men that serve their families as strong fathers.
Please join on our journey to reconnect the fathers, one father at a time. We are on a mission!
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Media Relations
August 1st, 2007 at 9:08 am
Sometime during the fall of 1992, I found myself committing an irresponsible vet familiar act. Once again the temptation of pleasure prevailed over the fear of parenthood, as my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend and I left the condoms on the shelf. Nine months later, Michael was born. Suddenly, at the age of 21, I had become an official card-carrying member of YBFU (Young Black Fathers Unlimited). And damned if I didn’t meet the three qualifications–no protection, no self-control and, of course, no marriage certificate.
My son’s birth–two years ago this month–presented me with two options: I could be weak and run the path of denial, or I could be strong and walk the path of responsibility. My first instinct was to lace up my Air-Denials and run like bell. Then I remembered a line from Boyz ‘N the Hood, to the effect that any fool can make a baby, but only a real man can raise his children. I knew it was true. I had to slow down and walk the path of responsibility.
Now, every time I look into Michael’s eyes and see a reflection of myself, it becomes more and more difficult to understand how a man could view his child as nothing more than a confirmation of his fertility. The waters of conception should not be so shallow.
So here I am, two years deep, striving to complete the transition from boyhood to manhood with li’l Mike on one shoulder and the world on the other. In my effort to be a light rather than a shadow at the end of his tunnel, I have returned to school. While I know a degree is not the benchmark of a positive and responsible parent, I do see it as a vital stepping-stone to securing financial well-being for Michael and myself.
August 15th, 2007 at 7:36 am
I truly believe that we need more organized systems to help combat the various issues facing men of color. I truly believe that men of color targeted to keep various communities blind, deaf and dumb. What makes it worst, is that those of us who are trying to so the right thing and provide for our families, churches and communities are focused on that and that alone.
Let’s be real. We all look down on those young men that need our help most. What’s worst is that if we don’t help them (which we do not) who is going to help them…are we to depend on “the system?”
—
I represent: Essex County, NJ
I am the Father of 5
I was raised with a father in my life
September 19th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I am a single mother. I will be participating in this blog to get information to help me raise my 5 year old son. I can give my son love, shelter, food, in fact all the basic needs in life, but I cannot teach him to be a man. I will be looking for any information or advice you can give me to help in my son’s development.
- New Jersey Mom
September 19th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
I grew up fatherless. Most of my friends’ dads weren’t living with them either. As a result I made some bad mistakes by listening to my boys when it came time to make decisions. Later in life I looked to uncles and older neighborhood men as role models. This helped me climb out of a hole that a lot of my boys are still in. Now when I see a young punk going down the wrong path, I reach out to guide him (if he’ll listen). I want to make a difference in someone’s life.
- Gettin’ Better in Atlanta
September 19th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
This blog is right on time. I need your help. I had some problems in the past that caused me to break from my family. Now that I’m getting my life together, I want to mend my relationship with my kids. Can I get a heads up on how to get back on good terms with my family?
Signed - Need help in Houston
September 19th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I’m a step-dad in Los Angeles. My wife and I have been married for a year. Things have been great between us, but my 16 year old stepson resents me. I’ve explained that I’m not trying to take his father’s place (his father deserted the family a few years back), but he wants nothing to do with me or anything I say. How do I reach him?
September 19th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I’m a native New Yorker. My kids were born when I was a teenager. I did the right thing with my babies’ mamas and worked to pay child support. Now I’m in my twenties and I’m tired. I want a little freedom. I know it’s not right to abandon my families, but what’s a brother to do? I don’t know if I can face another 10 years of this. I need some relief. Is there help for me?
September 19th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
Malik:
You mentioned your babies mama. I am not sure how many you have but you need to realize that children don’t come with an expiration date. You have them until they are 18 or finished with college. When you love someone, they are not a burden. I was divorced when my daughter was only two, now she is fourteen. I raised her on my own while in the military and I did not think I could do it either but I made it through. Lots of tears and prayers and pain, lots of staying up all night and going to work sleepy the next day. There were days when I wished I could get on a bus and just drive away. There were times when I did not want to live but I knew my daughter needed me. I stayed in it for the long haul. In two years she will be in college, she wants to be a neurosurgeon and though I am retired now, I will work my hands to the bone to get her through college because I love her, she did not ask to be born and she is thus my responsibility. As an adult, I know that I can have my freedom and still hold down my responsibilities. I know you can too. Best of luck Malik and I commend you for taking care of yours and letting them know who their father is. You will reap rewards in spades if you stick around I PROMISE you. When you are older and your kids are doing well and raising their own kids you will realize why you held on. Go on vacation, relax, but don’t leave your kids behind. Society has already done that.
Andi from Hartford Ct.
September 19th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
LeMarr.
Your stepson is 16 and knows full well that you are not trying to take his father’s place. Whatever you do, don’t talk about his father deserting the family. He knows that too and it probably still hurts and he will resent you for bringing it up. Don’t try to buy him or continue to pressure him. He will treat any boyfriend of his mother the same way, so don’t take it personally. As long as you treat his mother well and treat him fairly, he will eventually learn to trust you. Let him know you are there if he needs you and wait for him to come to you. Be kind to him, he will appreciate it later and so will you.
Andi from Hartford Ct
September 20th, 2007 at 1:51 am
People are Saying Great Thing about…
THE BOND
“The Three Doctors pull no punches when they tell us what it’s like to grow up in Newark, N.J, without a father in their lives: I grew up in that neighborhood, too. But they’re not complaining. Instead, they did something about it-they reconnected with their fathers. THE BOND is the powerful story of how they did it, and it shows that it’s never too late to be a father to your children…”
— Queen Latifah, musician & actress
Click to Purchase | Email
September 20th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Malik at least you are honest. Unfortunately, there is nothing for you to do but continue on the path of taking care of your children financially and emotionally. Your kids did not ask to be on this earth that was a decision you, and as you put it, the babies’ mamas made. I think the real test of being a good parent is what you are willing to sacrifice for your children. In your case it is your freedom or maybe your social life. My oldest is 11. I had him when I was 22; it gets easier. It’s ok to want some me time but it should not be at the expense of your kids. Good luck young bro!
September 21st, 2007 at 8:59 am
I am glad to see that you are doing these roundtables. They are needed. It would be great if you could have them at more cities around the country. Boston needs to hear your talks.
I am a single mother of a college young man, and the men at our church were a great presence in my son’s late teen life.
September 21st, 2007 at 9:02 am
Growing up in Cleveland with a “troubled” step-father and a “weak” and “never-present” biological father was difficult. It is truly by the grace of God, that we (my siblings and I) survived. I promised myself that I would never be involved with a man who would not raise his kids! I have now been married for 11 years to a GOOD man! We have 5 children and I am so proud of my husband. He spends time with our children, he kisses them (even our oldest son) and tells them that he loves them. I feel so bless and am so thankful to have him as a husband and father. There are many difficulties, but when I look at our sons I see something different. I see a calmness and a confidence that they are strong black men!
September 21st, 2007 at 9:48 am
I live in South Carolina and I’m a father of three adopted boys (siblings-man, I cry when I think about their stories). My father was not only absentee but one of the local drunks on the corner that would always scream, “Those my kids!” whenever we saw him.
Anyway, my relationship today (at 42) is good because I had to forgive him. I did this after I began to plot a way to murder him and realized I had a major problem. I forgave him, forgave myself and began healing.
I look at my older sister and though she won’t realize it, she still has some issues and is about to dismantle her own marriage to a good man because of the fatherhood. I’m helping her heal but I realize by watching her and my boys (5 y.o., 2 y.o. and 1 y.o) the power of a father.
My spiritual father says this, “There is no inheritance w/o a father.” There is none. So when my sons graduate high school and go to college, my biggest gift will be a personally drafted letter to them.
Thanks for listening.
September 21st, 2007 at 11:23 am
Malik, everybody needs a break from reality from time to time. That’s why there is vacation. But, like my sister Andrea said, there is no expiration date on parenthood, even when they are grown. I still look to my parents for advice and I’m 32. Fortunately, when your children are grown they are more like your life long friends as opposed to the crumb snatching, question asking, adorable boxes of surprises that they are as children.
What can you do? After taking a vacation (which you are entitled to, even if it’s just to a local spot where no one can find you for a couple of days), take it one day at a time. Thinking about having your children in your pockets for the next decade seems overwhelming. And it will probably cause some undeserved resentment towards your children.
When you get frustrated continue to blog and talk to people who are going through similar struggles. I promise you, you are not alone in your struggle, you’re just one of the few that are capable of admitting it.
I don’t know how religious you are (if you aren’t, parenthood is good reason to find some religion), but I would also suggest praying. If you don’t pray (let me make it clear that I believe in the power of prayer), then meditate daily. Life comes at you hard, even when you don’t have kids. Releasing some of that to a higher being will help in dealing with life in general. I wish you and all the parents that visit this blog success in the hardest, most rewarding job that you will ever have.
Peace in the Northeast!
September 21st, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Hello All:
I am so glad we have a means of release through this blog. I am a 30 year old single mother of a 4 year old little boy. I am struggling to make the right decision as it relates to my son spending time and being around his father. His father has an alcohol and weed problem. As a result of his addiction and/or abuse he has been evicted from his home, his truck has been repossessed, and he has been fired from his job. Currently, he is living in his parents basement and is employed. I have told my son’s grandparents that I do not feel comfortable with my son being alone with his father. So they have agreed to supervise their interaction as long as they are around. The reason I do not feel my son’s father is capable of being alone around my son is for several reasons, 1. he left him home alone to walk to the store (around the corner), 2. he never puts him in a car seat when driving 3. he smokes weed and drinks alcohol near and/or around my son. Now, I don’t think he would intentionally hurt our son, just like he did not intentionally lose his home, job, and car. I’m afraid that due to his inability to make good safe choices for his own life our son will suffer as a result. My son worships the ground his father walks on. At the moment, my son goes to stay with his father and grandparents on the weekends and I keep him during the week.
My question is, in this day and age where our black community struggles with negative issues surrounding black fathers as a whole, how can I justify keeping my son from his father…especially when I know how much he loves and adores his father. His father is a great father but b/c of his lifestyle I’m afraid our son may end up suffering. If something bad happened to my son I couldn’t bear the burden of knowing I could’ve done something but didn’t.
September 21st, 2007 at 2:54 pm
10 Ways to be a Better Dad
(more information on available online at www.fatherhood.org)
1. Respect your children’s mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father’s job is never done.
September 21st, 2007 at 5:52 pm
City, State- Queens, New York
I am a female with no children.
I am a grown woman who has never had the opportunity to meet her father because he left before I was born. I sometimes wonder how a man can just leave his children without even turning back to see if they would be all right. My mom did the best she could as a single parent; she was mom and dad. Me and my three brothers really didn’t have a father figure in our lives. We had uncles who came and did a little something when they could. Men have told me I cannot relate to them because I didn’t have a father figure in my life. I am not going to repeat what I told them…I respect a man for being a man and when you are less than a man, you get treated as such.
I will read The Bond because I would still like to meet my father but do not have a clue where he is. I feel sad because there is a part of me that I will never know and it hurts. How can a father leave and not find out what happened to his child? I just want to know.
September 21st, 2007 at 6:06 pm
I live in Merced, Ca. a small agricultural city in the heart of the Central Valley. I am very passionate about this subject of Fatherhood. I had the pleasure of having a wonderful father in my life. My maternal mother struggled (for whatever reason) with caring for me from birth. My parents were high school seniors and suffered all the challenges that come with this dynamic. My dad, with strong support from my grandma (momma), my uncles and my aunt, really stepped up to provide the love, care and nurturing I needed as a baby. My grandma, uncles and aunt played a substantial role since my dad was deployed to Vietnam. I can clearly remember as a very young child my grandmother reading me letters sent to me by my dad. I vividly remember the aluminum Christmas tree with the color wheel light my dad shipped to us from Vietnam. Upon his return, my dad married a woman who was to become my mother. My dad always worked hard and was a good provider. He instilled in us 3 boys the values and morals that carry us today as men. God, family and a strong work ethic was his creed. My dad made his homecoming on Fathers Day 10 years ago. He died quite suddenly of a very rare and aggressive muscle tissue-eating virus. The virus killed him in 3 days. It seems that life is not without a sense of irony. I am now the Coordinator of a County funded Fatherhood Program titled “ALL DADS MATTER”. We facilitate Boot Camp for New Dads and will be opening a Fatherhood Resource Center on November 1st of this year. As an African-American man, I see first hand the damage suffered by my people when we fail to stick to the values that have sustained us through the harshest of times…The values of faith, family and community. We are not so far removed from a time when our ancestors were ripped apart from their families and sold as property. Black men would sell themselves back into slavery just to be with their wives and children. Family is our foundation. When we as men take our natural place as the heads of our households, protectors and providers of our young (and aged). Then, and only then, will we see significant change. I am blessed with two beautiful, intelligent and articulate daughters. My oldest is 17 and my baby is 10. These girls are my oxygen. I love them with all that I am and hope to be.
I firmly believe we can reclaim our families and communities. I have to believe this in order to get up every day and take on this mission. I am encouraged that the “Three Doctors” are taking up an oar in this journey of fatherhood. We can do it. I’m ready, I’m on it, let’s go!!
September 21st, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Take care of your kids!!! Be there for them physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc… I am an educator that witnesses how children are affected when their parents (mom/dad) are not present on a daily basis. The sad part in witnessing children struggling with the lack of parental attachment, is knowing that they will have to make a choice to heal or deny the pain they felt as children when they become adults. I am a single parent of four children (13 yr. old girl, 5 year old boy and two year twin boys). I made a choice to become a single parent because having their father in the home was more detrimental to their health as the boys grow older. Men and women can claim to be a mother or father out of social responsibility for having children. But true parents will sacrifice their life, time and well-being to be actively involved in their child’s life. Protecting them, loving them, watching them grow, knowing their favorite foods, colors, and best friends. My struggle is enormous—the weight can seem impossible to bear at times. I was a teen when I became pregnant with my oldest…God be the glory, my determination and strength has never ended. Malik keep your head up. To all of the single parents—Never quit!! Your love as a parent, spreads throughout your bloodline. Take Care!!!
September 22nd, 2007 at 7:15 am
This is a great idea. I am a mom of 3 and married to a wonderful man. We are a blended family with blended family problems. Both my husband and I come from a blended family. The majority of the times you hear the struggles of mothers and rarely of fathers. I would not know where I would be without my father (who is not my biological). At no point and time did I ever feel left out or that I wasn’t his own. He’s a great father and I appreciate what he has done and continues to do. “Stepfathers” always get the heat from everyone (courts, children, in-laws) that they do not count because there’s no blood connection. Blood has nothing to do with being a father. I know…never had any contact with mine..NEVER. To all those fathers who are continuing to be the best that they can be I say hang in there, keep the faith and prayer works.
AP in Atlanta GA
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 am
As a child growing up without a father in the home, it didn’t seem strange until I began to understand that there was something different about our household and others - especially when you would hear about weekend events involving a Dad. All of a sudden, I began to feel as though something was wrong with our family. As I grew older, I sought out my Dad (who lived in the same hometown) and attempted to establish a relationship. He embraced me from a distance, and at the time (to a teenager) that seemed good enough. Young adulthood arrived and I knew there was a problem. I felt that I needed the companionship and friendship of men - without it I felt void. It didn’t take long before I realized that the absence of my father forced me into a mental place whereby I felt I needed a man to complete me. Through God’s help, His extended hand of grace of mercy, He revealed to me all the spiritual implications that are transferred as a result of this phenomenon. Praise God I was free from the trap! Since then I have tried to share with other women that God is our Abba, Father. He is able to care for us and provide for us in ways we can’t even imagine. I commend the Three Doctors for not only the reconciliation between their fathers, but for allowing their story to become our story - for such a time as this! I look forward to the book’s release (The Bond). Blessings and peace be unto you all.
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Wow! All of these comments are very moving to me. It reminds me of something a friend of ours said her mom AND dad used to tell her… “Aim for the sky and land on the roof.” Basically saying, always have high expectations. We (The Three Doctors) had lofty goals on becoming doctors and we did it. We wanted to inspire people and we had lofty goals on becoming authors and writing our memoir The Pact and We Beat The Street. We understand how important family is to our community, not only important but essential. So we wanted to address it, and that’s how “THE BOND” was born. But this topic/book “THE BOND” was the toughest of all for us. It took us on a journey to find ourselves, literally, because your dad makes up half your DNA, half your heritage, as was said previously. It was sometimes painful but a journey worth taking. I learned so much along the way. It made me whole (makes sense because half of me was missing). So it warms my heart to have the fatherhood roundtable (blog) serve as a vehicle for dialogue. To see this blog start out as a vision into what its becoming really moves me, its spiritual. And from this dialogue will be change. We have done the talking for long enough. It’s time to start walking! Please share this blog with as many people as you know. I find that it’s therapeutic for me, so I know others will as well. We will be on tour shortly promoting this message with our book “THE BOND”.
When its all said and done we hope to make a difference in peoples lives. We are in the midst of a movement!
Sincerely,
Dr. Hunt
The Three Doctors
September 22nd, 2007 at 3:29 pm
From Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Father of 4 ages 22,20,12,10
Father figure was my father who although he passed away when I was 13 he instilled in me a work ethic and a passion for work and religion that till this day at age 45 I still live by.
To Nia, I am from Queens and a lot of time men run from because they cant live up to their responsibilities financially so they try to get away until they make it then when they come back they feel they can provide for their family. Hopefully my sister he will come back to your life and bond with you. I pray he does.
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:23 pm
It is such a blessing to be able to support and encourage one another through this website. The role of a father is so important in a child’s life. Children NEED to hear their fathers’ say they love them, talk and listen to them, play with them and just enjoy them as individuals. When you have been blessed with the gift of children I pray that you really understand what a privilege that it. My husband and I have not had the opportunity to be biological parents but the Lord has blessed us with many “children” and I have seen the effect my husband’s presence has had in their lives. Keep up the good work and remember that the Lord Jesus Christ will guide you in all of your endeavors, just seek Him.
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:26 am
Where do you live? East Orange, New Jersey
Are you a father (how many children): No, I am not a father
Who was your father figure growing up: My adoptive father.
Hi Need Help in Houston,
I am so happy to hear that you want to reconnect with your children! I am going to warn you that it may not be east to reconnect with your children no matter the advice you get from this roundtable or elsewhere. Being that I have never known my biological father, I can understand how your children may feel. I can give you my personal opinion and ways that you may consider when you get back on good terms with your family. My biological father abandoned my mother when she was pregnant with me. When I was five years old, my mother married my adoptive father, whom in return, provided a male figure in my life. I have come to peace with never meeting my biological father. When I was a child and young adult my gripe with my biological father was that he never contacted me. He had many opportunities to contact me…31 years and counting. It is best that you contact with your children. You do not want them to resent you the way I resented my biological father.
My suggestion to you is first you should contact your ex by phone, and then set something up to meet at a common location; that way the two of you can talk. I do not know how long it has been since you have been in touch with your family but you will need to apologize and be sincere with your apology. You may have a lot of explaining to do as well. Although no matter what your reasons for leaving your family may be, it is still no excuse to abandon them but the good thing is that a sincere apology can do wonders. Remember, while you were getting yourself together, your ex had to take care of both your and her responsibility as a parent. Be prepared that your ex may ask for back child support because according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture a family with a child born in 2000 can expect to spend about $165,630 ($233,530 when factoring in inflation) for food, shelter, and other necessities to raise that child over the next 17 years.
Also, expect that initially your ex may not make it easy for you to see your children but you MUST be persistent and never give up. You will have to prove that you are trustworthy, responsible and will not leave your children again. You said that you had some problems. You will have to prove that you no longer have those problems and may need to seek counseling. You will need to do what ever it takes to get back on good terms with your family again. Once you are able to reconnect with your children, you will need to put 199% effort by being an efficient father figure in their lives. You were once a child and although you probably forgave the things that people did to you, most likely you never forgot. Children are impressionable; they have feelings, which mean they emotionally attach to people very easily. You need to commit being in your children’s lives again and if you feel that you cannot fully commit then my suggestion is to leave them alone.
I have the feeling that you will be able to get back on good terms with your family again. May God Bless You and your family!
Signed,
JWicks
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:33 am
People are Saying Great Thing about…
THE BOND
“Doctors Davis, Hunt and Jenkins know how vital it is for all children to have relationships with both their father and their mother. Every parent should read THE BOND because it highlights the power of forgiveness and drives home the fact that it’s never too late to be a family.”
— Bill Cosby
Click to Purchase
Click to Email
September 23rd, 2007 at 12:44 pm
My name is Jesus Rodriguez and I am the father of two-young man who is 15 years old and a little girl who is 8 years old. I have been married for 15 years to my wife and let me tell you it has been worthwhile, difficult, and the best journey of my life. I was fortune enough being from parents-who to this day have been married for over 40 years. My father was a great father figure who provided for me and the rest of the family; he supported me and was able to afford me and my two brothers to college. So in that instance he was a great, great provider. Yet, he was not there for the simple things with me and my brothers-going to my little league games in baseball, go to my show and tell to school, not helping me with my homework-due to the two or three jobs he had in order to provide for us. As my first child was born, I really truly could say I was not ready to be a father-for one I still was going to school while working full-time to provide. Although, I love my father dearly and I admire him from one end to the world to the other, I wanted to be different from him for the sake I wanted to be part of my child life. As the time went by I became involved with my children swimming lesson, music lessons, teach him or her to ride a bike, tutor them on their homework, help them study for a test, coach them on a sport team things that maybe little for some yet priceless for me and my child knowing that eventually time goes on and my children will become adults and will be moving on and eventually will have a family of their own and will become father’s and mother’s for their own children. I am proud to be a father and I feel that I still have a lot more to learn in becoming a father-even though I’ve been a father for over 15 years. I am grateful that my wife is there to also counsel me if there is something that need to be corrected or paid attention to: to try to spend equal time between my daughter and son. I know the difficulty of being a parent even when there is no power we have-such as being laid of from a job which me and my wife have been unemployed for over 6 months now. Yet, when we are at my home I take my duty as a father with great love, appreciation, gift, and honor that the circumstances that we have is secondary. I have great faith that things will turn around but I have more faith that by me being involve with my children life they will remember me as a constant love from a father to his children-that his children will remember for the rest of his/her life: maybe not now, may not soon but eventually it will be remember and be a reminder of being a parent to his/her children.
September 23rd, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I am an 8th grade English teacher in an urban school (The worst performing school district in the state of MA.) I chose this age and location because I wanted to try to be part of the education solution. Everyday my young male students have to make decisions that affect their future… homework or hanging on the streets. Most of these young men (13 + 14) come from single parent…mom’s homes. Their lives lack positive role models. Many aspire to unrealistic sport and media goals. What can I do to help? How can I… a middle aged white (and Hispanic) woman have a positive impact? How do I get the message across that they ARE important when many feel abandoned by their dads and a burden upon their overworked mothers?
Any suggestions welcome.
I am a Mom of three
I grew up poor in a large city with divorced parents but Dad always stayed involved.
Lilliaña
Springfield MA
September 24th, 2007 at 7:44 am
I applaud all the good work you’re doing with this blog and your books. Keep up the good work!
Kim Crouch
Author, Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men
September 24th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
Wow, this is awesome! I read you all’s book about a year and a half ago and thought what a great concept it was. Now, I look at my email this evening and I see this blog site. Fellas, keep up the good work!
September 27th, 2007 at 9:52 am
This is dedicated to Max, Sandy, their three boys (My nephew-in-Laws), Daryl, Conny, Judah, David and his son, my mother-in-law, my wife and Son, who I love with all of my heart and always will. I am 39 going on 80 it would seem. My Son has graduated High School and is attending A University in a different state as a film major. (I Miss you man!) I am so very proud of him and all of his accomplishments though when he was at home, I don’t think that I told him nearly enough. Now It appears as if I am about to lose the family that I cherish more than life itself. My family has brought me so much joy, fulfillment, sense of purpose and pride throughout the 13 + 3 years that we have been together.
I met my wife in 1991; she was a single mother struggling to get her life together after a few years of service in the army. She had no family or support where she lived. I was 23 at the time working at Pizza Hut and as a Janitor making 400.00 a month getting paid once a month. She lived across the street from me and all that I knew about her was that she had an adorable toddler and that she was the most driven woman that I had ever met. We finally started seeing each other and it was lust at first sight. (We eventually grew to love each other deeply) She started going to school through the JTPA program and inspired me to get my Adult Education diploma through the same College. Between her Yellow Bomber Nova and my yellow moped we were forced to walk the 15 to 20 miles in blistering heat on a regular basis. I finally finished my Adult Education diploma and was enlisted in the Navy. Before I left for boot camp I told her with wide eyes that I was going to come back and marry her and take care of her son. We said our goodbyes I went away to boot camp and then Japan. And she finished her Lab Tech degree. We wrote each other and I sent money to help out from time to time while I was gone.
When I came back state-side, on leave after my grandmother had passed we saw each other again I knew without a doubt in my mind that we would be together. I proposed and in front of my mother, sister, a few friends and the judge, we were Wed. It has been a bumpy road with multiple times apart, my deployments, her going to school, my going to military schools but we stayed in constant contact and indeed the distance did make the heart strings grow fonder.
In this time my son began to call me Dad and took my last name. When I think of those two separate instances my heart swells with pride to the point of bursting.
We added the addition of my wife’s mother, and her two brothers to the family HQ. We started a family business. My wife got her Bachelors Degree and we moved to a small developing town called Hemet. I and my son would go to various skate board parks as we had for years and skateboard together. My wife changed careers again, got her Masters degree. My son went from elementary school to High school. Finally my wife had enough with the public school system and sent my son to a private school. My Son struggled with Spanish but did well the two years that he played high school football which I and my wife loved to go to and hoot and holler. After a while we both lost sight of one another as we focused more on our careers and our other things than our marriage. I took my wife’s love for granted and abused her trust when she was most vulnerable and in need of my strength and support. She stopped using me as a sound board and instead sought solace in her mother. I made this easy by shutting myself in the room and spending hours on the computer. Like I said I am not without fault, I battled drugs, smoking, drinking, (had a DUI just last year but now am sober and drug free for life) and have also had problems with over spending.
I take the full blame of the how’s and the whys. But one thing that I do know about family is they may fight, they may disagree, and they may dislike one another for a time. But to me Family is forever, so know that no matter what I will be here. The baggage that both I and my wife carry has finally weighed us down and only divine intervention will prevent the ultimate demise of our nuptials. I know that she still loves me as I do here. My Son, though no longer at home will most assuredly be affected by our decision as he has already vowed not to get married or have kids. Marriage and children are hard work but to me, the undying love of my family is the most precious gift that God has ever given to me and I will cherish it forever. I currently have four more years on my enlistment, have completed my associate’s degree and have a little over a year to complete my Bachelors of Science in Information Technology Management. But all of those accomplishments would pail in comparison to us breaking the cycle of disenfranchised African American families in America. Be blessed and praise him.
September 27th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
10 Ways to be a Better Dad
(more information on available online at www.fatherhood.org)
September 27th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Where do I live? Hemet Ca.
Am I a father? Emphatically “YES” of an up and coming film producer in college.
Who was my father figure growing up?
1. A very troubled egomaniac who enjoyed dishing out physical, verbal and psychological abuse. Divorced by my mother when I was 12.
2. (step-father) A drug addict and alcoholic who had problems keeping jobs. (but did provide for the family) And stayed until both me and my sister were out of the house.
If I added that information to an online dating service would I get any replies? These days my profile would be considered a semi functional family setting compared to the environment that a lot of other children grow up in. Life is hard and it comes at you fast. I have always refused to be a victim of my circumstances. I would prefer to create my own reality, learn from the lesson of others as well as my own. Some of the hardest learned lessons I have learned in my 39 years of live came from being a father and husband.
1. Place your Childs needs ahead of your own and always try to do better for them than what was done for you.
2. Uplift and exalt your child but make sure that they are well grounded and humble as well.
3. Men tend to think that when they are doing the bare minimal, that is worthy of praise and that their children need nothing more. A parents job is never done, do not miss out on opportunities to enhance your Childs life by things unsaid or deeds un-done. “Carpe diem ”
4. Men, hug your sons and daughters, show them affection so that they may know love when it comes. And they will also know when they are in a situation that is not love. ( I speak of love not lust, of affection, not sexuality.) Protect your children!
5. Find spirituality, even if you claim that you do not believe in God, that does not mean that you cannot believe in a higher power that is greater than you. In times of need that knowledge may help and comfort you.
There are so many more things that I would like to share and only pray that my words are reaching the right people. Malik, I offer you words of encouragement and pray for you to find the strength that you need to carry on. Your choices will effect generations to come. What will be your legacy to your family and to the world. A lot of times we are far stronger than we ever thought that we could be. Let your love for your child inspire you to greater heights than you ever thought possible.
Andrea, congratulation in advance for raising such a fine young woman on your own. Unfortunately us Men have a long way to go to catch up to most women’s standards of parenting. I commend and love you all for everything that you do.
September 29th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
IN THE NEWS:.
Doctors, Authors Encourage Hartford Students: Trio Tells Of Growing Up On Streets
The doctor trio spoke to students at Weaver High School on Thursday and told them how they overcame the odds to be successful.
Jenkins said that when he, Dr. Sampson Davis and Dr. Rameck Hunt were 16 years old, they made a pact to make something of their lives and go to college and become doctors.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:10 pm
My People, My People:
I just had the opportunity to read almost half of the responses in the blog and the doctor said it right when he stated “A MOVEMENT” is begun to take foot and all I can say, just like the “REBIRTH MYKAL BELL MENTAL HEALTH MOVEMENT”, IT’S ABOUT TIME!!!
I work for the State of Maryland and handle child support. The cases that come across my desk are so sad. I contacted the Fatherhood Initiative in Gaithersberg, MD. and hope to work with them to bring their mobile unit to Baltimore. It is apparent that the young men and women in this area suffer from father hunger.
I have begun to research an initiative related to this problem titled appropriately “TIME SUPPORT”. I feel the healing starts with identifying that this problem will stay a systemic part of the Black family’s demise if we don’t begin the cure from inception.
Part of the program will be law with stiff penalties if not adhered to, and don’t get me wrong, but isn’t the current law of child support the rationale of the big gavel dictating that you will monetarily take care your children or else!!!
Therefore…”you can be forced to take care of your babies” but it has too many loop holes and men are jumping jobs, wrong social security numbers, living in mama’s basement, or intentionally having no official JOB!
This program is not one that will be instilled without the factor of love but my love is for the children. I am a mentor for girls who go astray in Baltimore called (Empowering Women, run by a lovely white woman who would give you the shirt off her back) and currently becoming a member of CASA (help them babies, people!)
Components of the program:
BOOT CAMP taught in schools and then practiced as a part of community service while in middle school and on to high school.
Fatherhood/family and child rearing counseling
Supportive Services
Contracts/role playing/video & library
Speaker Series
Child and Time Support Law Workshops
Benchmark and Project Planning for your child from birth
No More Weekends Law
Finally, I am so adamant about this that I would be remised if I did not add a little of my own story. My first child who I married the father became a drug addict and criminal due to the drugs. I was the “MYTH OF THE SUPERWOMAN”, can raise her and she will do well, never added in the factor of FATHER HUNGER! she suffers from some form of depression today because of it.
Eighteen years later I had another child, a boy, he is 10 now and the joy and fire in my soul. I took ill early on and asked his father would he care for him. His response “Can’t do that, he would mess up my happy home, he would have to go to foster care!”
Recently, I had a short hospital stay and had no one to care for my son, the neighbors watched over him and made sure he ate and got to school those days. His martial arts teacher did his homework with him. The hospital said that I may have to stay a little longer, I cried that I couldn’t. Again I asked his father to help me. He wouldn’t even call him and check to see if he was OK.
His father is a graduate of John Hopkins, in a fraternity and a graduate of Hampton University. Prominent member of a big church (no help here either, I and 10 friends actually picketed outside the church on FATHERS DAY, because the PASTOR said he would help and then turned his back when he knew that this influential income stream might be cut off). He earns over six digits in retirement income and refuses to talk to me about anything (my son is now suffering from Father Hunger). I could go on but what I would like to happen is to see this program come to fruition where competent men are mandated to spend time.
Look at it this way, when this child becomes angry and violence occurs to you, your love ones, your property, when I am crying and on the news, will the questions be all for me as the mother who had to work and make it happen and DADDY gets a free pass — we need more MARCUS JONES — in the lives of their children!
Are we going to continue to BLAME or are we going to GET THE WORK DONE?
I say this all in peace and love
October 3rd, 2007 at 9:41 pm
I am a 37 year old, married, ex-con, self-employed father of three. I am also a minister at a local church and my greatest passion is speaking to fathers. The one thing that impacted me most about being in prison for five years was seeing all the fathers that were doing time. Although that experience awakened me to a number of things I think the greatest lesson I learned is that there is a spiritual attack on fathers simply because God calls Himself the Father of Creation or Heavenly Father. This is relevant because Satan knows that if we are disconnected from our earthly fathers it is very unlikely that we will ever come to know our heavenly father the way He desires we know Him.
So to all the fatherless fathers out there I say, “you do have a Dad his name is God!”
October 4th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I plan to purchase this book for my husband and encourage him to read it, in an effort to better connect with our two boys (14, 12). Since he did not have a father in his life while growing up (neither did I for that matter); he knows the importance of being involved but sometimes struggles with just how to build a “bond.” I hope this book will provide some insight that will enrich their relationship. (a friend even suggested that it would make a good book club topic just for men!)
Wilm., DE
Wife & Mother of 3
October 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
HELLO THREE DOCTORS, I WAS CHANNEL SUEFING WHEN I FOUND THREE OF THE MOST FACINATING MEN ON TV. I RASIED MY TWIN DAUGHTERS All BY MYSELF. MY HUSBAND LEFT WHEN THE TWIN WAS SIX MONTHS OLD. AS A MOTHER I STESSED EDUCATIOM TO MY DAUGHTERS. THE SCHOOL AS WELL AS THE PRINCIPAL DID NOT CARE FOR MY KNOWLEDGE, BUT I PRESSED AND MADE THE TEACJERS AND THE PRINCIPAL ACCEPT MY VIEWS REGARDING MY DAUGHTERS EDUCATION. I AM GLAD I DID NOT HAVE SONS BECAUSE I JUST FOUND THE THREE OF YOU. THE THREE OF YOU WERE WONDERFUL. I THINK THAT YOUR STORY WILL INSPIRE FOR DECADES TO COME. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO PURCHASING YOUR BOOK. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND POUR HIS COUNTANCE UPON AND GIVE YOU PEACE.
CYNTHIA MARIE
IMMOKALEE, FL
October 8th, 2007 at 7:26 am
I live in Michigan. Parental Status: Parents Divorced Father remarried and had lots of other kids and affairs in between. Problem: Emotional Unavailable, Non Active Participant Father
Wow, What Can I say about the book…
You gentlemen really put yourselves out there for this one.
I could relate to all three of your fatherless stories in some way, shape or form (Lack of confidence, extreme shyness, getting into trouble in school). I laughed cried, reflected. Your book really hit home.
It’s kind of scary that there are so many of us African American professionals that grew up in single parent households that have made it. But still have unhealed wounds from an absentee father/ (parent).
Luckily for me, I had very strong relationships with both my grandfathers and my mentor (male band teacher from high school). They showed me how to be a hard worker and a productive member of society. How to set goals no matter what life throws at you. And most importantly, it’s okay to fail, as long as you pick yourself up, learn the lesson and move full steam ahead. Without these positive role models, I probably would have been a lost soul.
Your book has given me the courage to try to talk openly and honestly to my father about his shortcomings and life choices.
I’m the oldest of many 8 brothers/sisters, so I have to be the Big Sister” and set the example. Therefore, I tolerate my father because I have to rather than openly enjoy being around him.
Don’t get me wrong, my pops and I are cool, but we aren’t really close. I’ve been scared to tell him how I really feel for the last 34 yrs.
Your book has showed me a couple of things:
1) Its never too late to strengthen a relationship with an absentee parent
2) Sometimes you have to be willing to open your heart to acknowledge your past hurts from your father and forgive them (I’m still working on this one, its hard!).
Kudos to you gentlemen for writing such a heartfelt, warm, and emotional risky novel.
October 8th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
I am not a father, but I did grow up without one. I also didn’t have a really good father figure when I was younger. This has left my husband to have to teach me how to interact with men after we got married and problems arose. I had serious behavioral problems because I just did not know how to act or respond to men. Fathers are extremely important to not only their son’s lives, but also, their daughters. It is very important for children to see how men and women are supposed to interact and learn about the other sex.
October 9th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Gosh I am impressed by the heartfelt notes I’ve read. I love in Brimingham, am the mother of 2, and divorced. My father was married to my mother before I was borned and remained so until he died when I was fully grown, married and a mother. Still I miss him. I made a huge mistake in choosing a marital partner but I stayed married because i wanted my son (and later my daughter) to have the advantages of a 2 parent family. Unfortunately, the “man” I married had not been raised in a 2 parent family and had no concept of what being a husband or father was about. Worse still he never tried to learn. Finally after nearly 18 years I filed for divorce and I apologized to my son for not having done so sooner. My son, God bless him, told me not to feel guilty because had I divorced his father earlier he would have gone through childhood thinking I had deprived him of something. Then my son said, besides being around him allowed me to see all the things I shouldn’t be and being with you I know who I can and should be. My son is 18, a sophmore in college on full academic scholarship and Lord I am so proud of him.
I still wish that this blog had been around when I was married. I wish it could have shown my ex how to be a father.
October 9th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Just started reading “The Pact”. I am a single mother of a very curious 6 year old boy who wants to be an astronaut. He has always had an interest in science and math, I believe he is truly gifted. ( yes I am a proud mama) I worry sometimes about the gunshots I hear and the teenagers being killed (close to home)as recently as last week. Right now I can keep him home but when he gets older and friends have more of an impact, what then? Your stories give me hope. Thank you so much for sharing. I can’t wait to read the other books.
Oh yes, and like the sister who said it before, there are people in Boston who would like to be included on your book tour.
Peace
October 9th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Interesting resource. I listened to your interview on public radio. As a father of 3 myself and turning 40 soon, but still very much a kid inside, fatherhood is still a total mystery to me, even though my Dad was around most of the time in my youth. There’s no roadmap to being a great father and it’s not surprising how many Dad’s don’t make the cut. It seems that mothers have biology on their side somehow, while Dad’s easily stray from their role.
Joe
October 11th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Amazingly I started reading THE BOND two days ago and reading Dr. Jenkins beginning chapter I’m walking down an emotional memory lane.
I’m 31 and somewhere around the age of 29 I decided it was time to forgive the father who decided he didn’t care whether I lived or not and make my life better. I hit some major emotional calamities around this time and many of my troubles in life were due to me carrying a weight of unrelinquished hate/anger/and much more. I was having trouble in life all around - work, relationships, family, home. I started seeing a counselor because I didn’t want to be anymore self-destructive than I already was. The benefit of seeing a counselor is that he/she doesn’t provide the answers but helps to give you perspective so that you see what the issues are clearly and then you have to decide the method for tackling and conquering these self-issues. In the regular conversations we were having everything pointed to the father I hadn’t forgiven. I refused to go into my 30’s (next phase in life) with this weight. I called him up (after not having a conversation since high school graduation). He was shocked nonetheless. In short we met for dinner about a week later and that was that. We haven’t spoken much since then, but the good part about it is I’m happy with me now.
To Sherri, the single mother of a 5yr old my beginning advice is don’t be afraid to let him find his way, provide the guidance, but step back sometimes. My sister is a single mother of my nephew and so often i’ll have to pull her coat tail just to say, “let him figure it out, and don’t criticize him if he doesn’t get it right the first time.”
October 13th, 2007 at 12:58 am
I heard you three gentlemen on a recent talk of the nation pod cast. It really stirred the fire that has been burning in my heart for so many years. To hear other men openly talk about what it means to grow up in the absence of a father. I feel empowered to tell my story.
I am the proud father of 3 boys and 1 girl. One of these young men is my step-son and I am the only father he has ever known. My biological father abandon (Left for another woman) my mom and me before I was born. He made an attempt for a brief return when I was about eight months old. He left after a few weeks and was kind enough to steal my mother’s car as he left. My mother re- married when I was five years old and I was full of resentment for this new man in our lives. We never had a father son relationship. He worked for many years’ grave yard and swing shift. My half brother and I almost never saw him. I always felt like the outcast and it was very clear to me I was a step-son. I did not hear the words “I love you Danny” until I was 30 years old. He always worked hard and did his best to provide for us. We never had much money, but always had food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in. My mother was an extremely strong and resourceful woman. She openly talked about my biological father and would even comment when she began to notice traits I had that were unique to him and I. My mother was able to contact him when I was 13 years old and set up a date for me to meet him. It was an old fashioned soda shop in our local mall. I had a large strawberry shake. I can still taste it on my lips and feel the cool metal canister that was left at our table to refill the fancy soda glasses. I was so excited, scared, and overwhelmed with many conflicting emotions. I was fortunate to spend 2 summers with him working on his fishing boat in Alaska. It was one of the most exciting things I have ever done. I even had the chance to meet my brother and sister I had never known. To think, “I was a big brother to a sister” was awesome. The second summer didn’t go as well as the first. There were arguments as I did not feel comfortable calling him “DAD”. I used his name, same as mine, Daniel. I exclaimed, “14 years without a phone call, a letter, a birthday card, or even an acknowledgement I was alive and all of a sudden I am to call you my father? You will have to earn it. “The rest of the summer went down hill and I was asked to leave early after a conversation with my sister in witch I informed her that the reason we had never met was not because my mother refused for him to see me. That was a lie and I knew it without a doubt. My mother would have never done such a thing and we all knew it. He proceeded to kick me out early and sent me packing. It was another 14 years until I saw him as my mother heard he had moved back to town and was a regular at the local bar. He was going through his seventh divorce and was severely injured on the job and collecting social security while living with his mother. I mustered the courage to go to the bar and talk to him. He had become not some glorious figure in my eyes, but rather a pitiful excuse for a man. Our conversation was shallow and ended with him promising to keep in touch an reunite soon. This obviously never happened. I wanted so badly for him to be a part of my and my children’s lives. I know that will never happen. He will never be the “Dad” I needed and wanted him to be. I think of him often and wonder if I’ll go to his funeral when he passes. I wish I could find some information about my siblings and would love to be a part of there lives. I have been married for 10 years and love my children and my wife with all my heart. I have fought hard not to parent as I was parented and focus on being the father to my children I never had. My boys are growing to be great men, respectful, honest and hard working. I try to instill in them the strongest sense of family and teach them that above all they have each other. Nothing matters so much as God and family. The void felt by the absence of my father or a substantial role model will be felt for the rest of my life. I will personally never know what it feels like to have that first game of catch with dad. No one was there to teach me all the things I, at times, struggle to teach my Boys. However, I will not fail them. I will give them all I have and they will know there father loves them. With the undying, unwavering, eternal love that only a father can give. I am so very scared at times that I will fail them. Not be there or let them down. Some days I feel as though I have given all I have. Those are the days I reach down inside myself and gather all the pain and disappointment I feel and let it drive me. It will always drive me. I make sure they will never feel the pain I know, as no child ever should. My children will know success; have pride, integrity, hope, courage, and they will love there children as I have loved them. The circle has been broken.
October 15th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
I am a divorced/single mother of 3 children. My first 2 children (ages 10 &
are from my marriage and my youngest son (age 2) is a product of a long relationship spanning 12 years, off and on. I have decided that this year, this book will be Christmas presents to both fathers instead of a shirt or whatever! My ex-husband loves his children but does nothing to provide for them. We do live 6 hours away, but I make it my business to take the trip 2 times a year so that my children can spend some time with their father. I continue to do this so that my children can never come back on my and say that I “kept” them from their father. He does not call his children. I am the one who makes the phone calls. He is in a relationship with a woman and has since had 2 children with her. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that he continued to make children when he couldn’t take care of the two he already had. My youngest son’s father wanted me to have an abortion. I obviously told him no and now have a wonderful son. His father does pay child support but could care less about him at all. I can count on one hand how many times he has called since has been born but never to ask about his son. I can only imagine the emotional distress my children (especially my youngest son) will go through knowing that his father is nowhere around and would have cared less if he was dumped into a medical waste bag and thrown away. Pray for these fathers that they may see the light and take the position as father in their children’s lives. Also, pray for the mothers who are doing the best they can with what they got. And last but not least, pray for these children that are missing out on having a father. Pray that these kids grow up with the love of GOD as a foundation for all that they believe in.
October 15th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
My son is 4; he’ll be 5 in December. I decided to leave the relationship between his father and I when our son was months old. It was the best decision I could have made. To make a long story short, the father is very bitter. He constantly takes me to court in hopes of gaining full custody. He just started paying child support this summer b/c he almost went to jail for not paying. He constantly calls Children and Family Services to report false allegations that I am abusing our child. He tells our son that if he eats meat, he will die. I could go on and on.
His father is a Muslim and he has very strict rules when it comes to food, schools, etc. I don’t have any other father figures for my son to idolize. I have been single since I split with the father because I am working towards achieving certain goals. I would like to move out of the state in hopes of getting free from the father’s immature tactics but is that really best for my son? I do not believe it is but I probably will have a heart attack or nervous breakdown sooner or later. I truly believe that a child needs both parents no matter how ignorant the parent(s) is.
So this is my question -> Am I being selfish for wanting to live an enjoyable life by moving far away from the father? Or should I forget about myself and do what’s best for my son by keeping him near his father?
Philadelphia, PA
October 16th, 2007 at 7:10 am
People are Saying Great Thing about…
THE BOND
“Doctors Davis, Hunt and Jenkins know how vital it is for all children to have relationships with both their father and their mother. Every parent should read THE BOND because it highlights the power of forgiveness and drives home the fact that it’s never too late to be a family.”
— Bill Cosby
Click to Purchase
Click to Email
October 17th, 2007 at 7:26 am
I visited this website after reading the BOND. I’m truly amazed how these men are able to forgive their fathers. I was raised without a father, which was not a norm in my family all of my cousins had a father in their in home. Even my aunts who lived the typical urban-ghetto life still attempted to hold onto a man(even if he was worthless) so their children would have a father in the home. When I was a little girl my mother told me I cried for my father often, and named a male doll I had after him. I know by the time I was 10 or 11 I had very little respect nor like for my father. In my adulthood he attempted to rekindle a relationship, and I halfway tried to participate in us getting to know each other. I just really can’t stand him. I kept it bottled up for awhile, until recently; I told him I felt he as well as his family were “trash”. I don’t share the same morals or values as my father and I think he’s a lazy pathetic, pampered, emasculated male. My father had the luxury of being raised in a two parent, stable middle class home, but he chose for his daughter not be raised in the same environment. This is a message to all fathers, if you wait too long, it might be too late, not all children are as forgiving as Drs. Davis, Hunt and Jenkins.
October 27th, 2007 at 10:57 am
I grew up without a father and it still hurts me to this day, but I have learned to move on. It was really hard seeing my friends and their fathers together. When I played baseball I would see all the fathers cheering their child on and that would fuel the beast in me. I would try my best to out play those guys (my friends), just to impress their dads, but that soon got old. Instead of playing my best I started playing my worst. As the years passed I began to isolate myself from friends and family. Even to this day I still do it to a certain extent. It’s ironic that my dad and I share the same birth month and day. I looked forward to receiving his annual birthday phone call, but they soon stopped and so did the money and gifts.
I graduated from high school in 2001, and he did not even attend my graduate. I graduated from college in 2006(BA, Psychology/Criminal Justice), and yet again my father was no where to be seen. I’ll obtain my master’s in 2009(Community Counseling) and I have already told myself not to expect him to show. Even though it’s a few years away, I plan to obtain a Doctorate in Forensic, and I wish my father would be there for that moment.
Now at the age of 24, no kids, and single I have learned a lot with out my father’s help, but there are still things that I wish I could hear from his mouth. Never once have I been in trouble with the law and I use that to let the younger kids know, it’s the path you choose.
BTW, I read both books……. Awesome!!!
The Pact really showed me that whatever I put my mind to I can do. Best believe me I am setting goals and reaching them left and right.
The Bond ripped my heart out and placed it on a table in front of my eyes. It also changed the view(s) that I had about my father. Inspired by the book I asked my mom about my father’s childhood life. Almost like a page from The Bond, I learned that he grew up without a father also.
A female coworkers asked me yesterday to tie her son’s neck-tie yesterday. I responded, “I don’t how; I grew up without a father.” For the first time in my life I did not feel shame to tell others that my father was not around.
I survived with the help of my aunt. My mom was not in my life neither.
Thank you Drs. Davis, Hunt and Jenkins.
Take Care,
Mr. LB Silmon
Doing good for myself in Lafayette, Alabama
October 31st, 2007 at 1:47 am
Brother Lamarr,
I feel your pain and dealing with the issues that are facing you and your 16yr old stepson. I have experienced a similar situation and advise you to exercise a lot of patience, love and consistency. Don’t allow this to be come a power struggle, your will against his.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:55 am
Continued for Lamarr,
Be loving towards your mother and him, don’t be fake. Be there for him and don’t force yourself on him, much of your interaction for sometime may need to be on his terms. Thinks about it, the young brother is probably still hurting from being abandoned by his biological dad and now you are stepping into that position. If the he’s like and possibly yourself, he has been conditioned to stand back (standoffish) and watch and test the waters before letting his guard down. To be quite honest, who can blame him? You can’t replace his dad but you can become a role model and father figure by loving him, and being consistent and displaying integrity. In time this can and will be the foundation for a healthy relationship for all 3 of you.
In Christ Jesus all things are possible!
GOD bless your and yours
Phoenix, AZ
October 31st, 2007 at 2:33 am
Doctors,
Thank you for the book and for your commitment to one another, to yourselves and to our global community! So many things in “The Bond” hit home for me and I would like to point out a few.
I was refreshed by each of your levels of transparency, integrity and responsibility. In our community very rarely do we air our laundry to one another let alone the global community! Its wonderful that you found it in yourselves to be so transparent because it showed that as Black Men we too are vulnerable (not bullet proof as we and others portray ourselves), that we too need love and are capable of giving love unconditionally and that we are three dimensional beings able to overcome anything! Truly inspirational!
I was also struck by the point that was given by Dr. Rameck’s friend: Who said that being raised by one parent (in his case his mother) that he wasn’t taught to compromise because his parent was the judge and jury because that person was the sole provider. This is such a profound and crucial point that I myself have and still struggle with. I believe this also contributes to the violent conditions in our community as well as affects those that we have relationships with. In the violence it is played out by the child or person coming from that situation and taking that behavior into other environments and expecting everyone to go by their rules, which oft times contributes to the pride filled king of the hill struggles that we can and do see in the streets and else where.
There’s much more but let me leave you with this. Before reading this book I have long since began a regime of improvement, directed towards me and my community: spiritually, physically and mentally! But this book touched me in ways that I didn’t expect and I have been promoting it to everyone I know to buy the book or get it at the library if they can’t afford it. Tonight I introduced this book to a young lady that I know and it stirred emotions in her from her dealings with her father that she thought were long gone and she began to cry. She is intent on healing. Thank you for creating this vehicle for open healthy dialogue
Thank you
best of wishes
October 31st, 2007 at 7:51 am
People are Saying Great Thing about…
THE BOND
“The Three Doctors pull no punches when they tell us what it’s like to grow up in Newark, N.J, without a father in their lives: I grew up in that neighborhood, too. But they’re not complaining. Instead, they did something about it-they reconnected with their fathers. THE BOND is the powerful story of how they did it, and it shows that it’s never too late to be a father to your children…”
— Queen Latifah, musician & actress
Click to Purchase | Email
October 31st, 2007 at 7:54 am
(more information on available online at www.fatherhood.org)
1. Respect your children’s mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father’s job is never done.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:22 am
My name is Selena Rogers and I just wanted to say thank you for writing your book. As a new single mother it helped me have a better understanding of what many of our Black men go through and why there is so much anger and resentment in our communities.
On May 17, 2007 I gave birth to a healthy baby boy whom I named Malachi-Isaiah. His biological father decided to step out because I did not want to be in a romantic relationship with him any longer. Throughout my pregnancy and sometimes even now I become bitter and angry. Growing up in Bed-Stuy and Brownsville Brooklyn I never knew who my biological father was. My stepfather was and still is a severe alcoholic who tries his best to be a decent person yet alone a decent father. I could not understand for the life of me why a man would disown his child just because the mother no longer wants to be in a relationship with him….at one point I was going to reunite with his dad just so my son would know his father. Now looking back I am glad I did not make that decision.
After reading your book and knowing what I know about Malachi’s dad I now realize that I really need to move on and allow God to take control. Although it will be difficult as hell for me to move on I know I must do so for the sake of Malachi. On an emotional and mental level Malachi’s dad is not well. He needs time to heal from past childhood issues and loves that were lost. Whether or not he decides to come back into Malachi’s life hope I hope that his father will one day grow up and become a man that he needs to be.
Once again thank you for writing this book. I am sure that it will give so many people from all over insight on why men behave the way that they do. God bless…
November 25th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
It was a real pleasure reading your book. At times it was a real tear jerker because I could somewhat relate to your circumstances as I had the same path to Manhood myself. I grew up in the District of Columbia and my Parents divorced when I was about 7 years of age. As I grew, I watched as my Mother supplied for us (3 Siblings) unselfishly through sacrifice and giving us unlimited love despite the stresses that plagued her daily. I tried to find a Man to emulate in my youth through some of the men that she dated: some had good points that drove home while other habits I chose to ignore for obvious reasons.
When each of you started to talk about education, You made me wish that I knew you when I was in school. Going to school for me was like in comparison dressing in drag: I got nothing out of it. Although I got little support when it came to home work, No one ever sat down with me to help me figure out problems that I didn’t understand. I never failed or went to summer school, I did the bare minimum to pass. I’m now 34 and married with one son residing in Panama City, FL. Through my life experiences I know how important it is for a father to be present in his child’s life and through reading your book reinforces that fact. At the moment, I’m in the process of continuing my education where I’ll be majoring in Medicine myself. More so, when my son starts grade school and encounters problems that he didn’t quite understand at school, I want to assist him and let him know that I have his back.
God willing, I’m going to do the best I can to guide him in the right direction.I want to be the type of father he can come to for anything; for fatherly advice and just to be a best friend.
Through reading your book, you’ve equipped me with more arsenal to pull of being a successful parent! I know that if I keep God first and continue to be Loving and understanding, my son will be just fine!!!
Thank you for sharing your story, I think that every parent and every aspiring parent should read this book.
November 27th, 2007 at 3:25 am
I am my brother’s keeper; my son’s first teacher. My duty in any time or circumstance is to learn and protect him so he may live to do the same. To accept this reality, a lot of tears have been shed. I used to fear that well. I thought the waters weakened me. I’d clench my fist, punch the walls of my room or simply leave any situation that got too “heavy”. And “heavy” was so light back then. I feared love then because I never saw it practiced in my house –not the way I thought I needed it. I hated my mother because she could never be the father I needed. I hated her mate because he was never a man. How could a man beat up my mother in front of me and hope to earn my respect? How could he lie and cheat and manipulate all for a the sake of power? So I hated men. I needed to be a man but I could not be the example presented to me. I feared what I would do to women so I hated them too because I wanted to be with them so badly yet I knew I could hurt them. That’s all I’d seen of relationships. Pain. My intelligence told me I’d do what I’d seen so better not do engage at all. No relationships. No human connections. No love for anyone. Why hurt the world?
So my father heroes became teachers who gave me A’s and coaches who made me captain their teams to victory and glory. And I kept them all at a distance. I learned love from a distance. I became valedictorian, Most Likely to Succeed, Most Artistic, Best Athlete, full scholarship winner to college. And through all that, love was at a distance. I rarely enjoyed the accolades or kind words. Deep down, I knew there would be a special place in hell, in jail, in an asylum for someone with all the hatred I harbored. And in spite of myself, I have become a husband and father. Am I perfect? No. Have I made the same mistakes of the flawed men I’ve seen? Yes. I can be distant and emotionally withdrawn like I was in adolescence. My wife has lived with that dread. But I am trying. Everyday, I have the lessons of my childhood and the memories of what I wanted to make me the father my son needs. Everyday presents another chance to create the bond that will allow me to live in him and sustain all that I’ve learned, all he will learn through our daily bread. A-men.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I applaud your hard work and dedication to your book The Bond. I live in New Jersey. I’m glad you wrote the book. Even though your fathers were not there for you growing up, you truly are heroes to a lot of young people. I admire you all and wish you all the best in the future. I have two children 18 & 16 and I pray that they turn out as positive adults as you three have.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
I live in Newark NJ. I’m a mother of two and I recently married a wonderful man. I would not know where we would be without my husband who is not my kid’s biological father. He is also a great father and I appreciate what he’s done for my kids and continues to do for them. I hope that all fathers would treat their kids nicely. My kid’s father left us and never came back. I thank God he blessed my family with this man who we adore. I want every stepfather out there to know that they are appreciated and loved.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Hello
My name is Denise; I am the mother of two wonderful young men. Michael is 28 and Jason is 24. I once told my sons that if they ever got a girl pregnant that they would have to marry her. Jason in turn asked, “What if we don’t like her?” That question allowed me the perfect opportunity to instill in my sons a lesson I think they will keep forever. I simply asked, “Why would you have sex with someone you don’t love, much less like?” They got it.
My issue is this; when I run into friends and acquaintances, they always want to know if I’m a grandmother yet. They never inquire as to the boys’ marital status or their health; forget questions about education and plans for the future. Neither of my sons is dating, seriously anyway, and to tell you the truth I think it’s good. They have an active social life and they’re having fun. Besides that, they’re still living in my parents’ basement.
I know the boys missed having their father in the household, but he played a major role in their rearing. They continue to have a great relationship with him today and fortunately both had their paternal and maternal grandparents along with aunts and uncles, neighbors and friends to use as examples for relationships and marriage.
It would be very nice to one day have grandchildren, but with them I want a daughter-in-law. Am I being too old fashioned?
November 28th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I live in Newark, NJ. I would like to write about Oronde Ash’s letter. I feel so bad for the gentleman that wrote this quote. He had so much anger towards the whole world. It is so sad that he had to go through so much pain without being the one at fault. He shouldn’t blame his mother either; she didn’t ask to be hit. She was also a victim in this situation. I’m not saying that what he went through is easy; it’s not. But he can learn from all of this tragedy .Get some counseling, and go to church. It helps a lot if you put your heart in God’s hand and let him in. Love your wife and your children the way they love you and forget about the negativity in your past. YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.
December 3rd, 2007 at 11:46 am
Hello Miss Lilliana,
I am very glad that you are a teacher who is trying to be a positive role model for these kids in your class. Please don’t give up on them. Sometimes it’s very hard trying to reach them. But I think if you talk to them, encourage them to do the home work and tell them it is for their benefit, one day you will look back and say I taught that boy or that girl.
You might never know which one of them is paying attention to you, even though you think that they are not listening, there is always one person who is listening to you. Don’t give up, just hang in there, and do the best job possible.
In today’s society there are a lot of kids that are coming from a single parent household, and it can be very tough for them, so I think, as a teacher it is up to you to encourage these kids with hope, dreams and a goal that they may dream to aspire. Even if the parents don’t have the time to encourage them. You just have to believe.
December 3rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm
I live in Orange, New Jersey. I want to write to Andrea. Andrea, I was put in the same position that you were in raising my two girls alone after my husband left me. My kids came first in everything I did. I didn’t show them that I was scared, but when they went to sleep I would cry in my bed at night. I thought about walking away, but I realized that they didn’t ask to come here. So I prayed to God that I do the right thing by my kids. My two girls graduated from college. I’m proud of myself every time I look at my girls.
December 3rd, 2007 at 4:01 pm
My name is Marion. I am a native of Trinidad and Tobago in the West Indies. At the age of 27, I became a single mother of a beautiful daughter. Life was stressful for me until I started attending an evening program given by the 1199 union. This program is assisting me with different subjects that will help me to gain access into the LPN program. We do a lot of reading. I was privileged to read your book THE BOND. Wow! What a powerful book. There is so much in this book that relates to my childhood.
My father was an alcoholic. This destroyed our home, but my mother did a tremendous job raising me. Reading your book has given me great inspiration to forgive my father and to concentrate on my future. My intention is to press toward becoming an LPN. I want to encourage both young and old, male and female: do not make the darkness of your past prevent you from obtaining your goal. I am pushing to do something great for a change in my life.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I live in New Jersey and I am not a father. I am grateful that I did not slip up and have kids at a young age (22) knowing I am not ready to do so. I feel like I have not even acquired enough knowledge to be a father. In other words I want to become a lot more intelligent than I am right now before I even think about having kids so I can teach them what I learned in my life and raise them right.
I have a good relationship with my dad because I never really faulted him for some of the mistakes he made in his life that affected me. My father never abandoned me. He was always there even if it was on the phone; he was just one call away. When I was younger he moved all the way to Minnesota but he always kept in touch no matter what.
Whenever we spend time together now I love every minute of it and I express myself with him but when he goes back home to Minnesota I never call him. To be honest my father has been in Minnesota for about five years now and I think I’ve only called him about three times but he calls me all the time and I always speak to him. The thing that gets me is that I don’t have anything against my father but for some odd reason I shut my self away from him and he does everything in his power to try to be there for me.
When my father did live in New Jersey; I think being that we didn’t live together and I didn’t see him every single day it caused me to isolate myself from him. When I was 14-17, I was getting into a lot of trouble and my mom would call my dad to discipline me. So I think that we spent more disciplinary time together than father and son time. I am pretty sure this is where the isolation started. Most of my friends did not have fathers and I did, but I shut mine out of my life.
December 10th, 2007 at 9:26 am
10 Ways to be a Better Dad
(more information on available online at www.fatherhood.org)
1. Respect your children’s mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father’s job is never done.
December 13th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
I live in San Luis Obispo, California. I am a PROUD father of two high schoolers. My father was an alcoholic most of his life and stopped, cold turkey, when I confronted him about seeking help. A physically strong and stubborn man that I love and miss very much. He would be proud of the son he has and the grandchildren that we have raised. I was deeply moved by his continual help for others, like the blind man he helped step up on the curb, when I was but a young boy.
I work in a boy’s home and have observed that ALL my students not only have an early involvement in sex, crime, and drugs, but also NO FATHER. Some of my (young) students are already fathers and don’t seem to mind not being there for their kids and the others can’t see a way out of the life they are living.
We have a national crisis here. Children without fathers in wrong and many of those children–especially the boys–can’t see the right way to live life. The ones who we don’t see are already on their way to living the life they lead because they don’t know any different. I’m amazed by their stories of abuse, drug use starting at TEN!, and crime. I continue to share my not-so-perfect life and remind them that I learned from my mistakes by not repeating them–and ask what they have learned from theirs.
After reading many of the blogs all I can say is that fatherhood isn’t easy. No one left me directions, but I have worked at it with a loving wife, been frustrated by it and continue to love, talk, hug, try to eat together as a family, and be involved in my kid’s lives.
December 19th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, my son Byran and daughter Sydney. I joined this blog to let everyone know what a great dad my man is and to encourage others to do the same for their men. I have to say how proud I am of my wonderful husband for being a strong father and leader of our household. Despite his childhood of trauma and turmoil, my husband has grown beyond his father’s unloving ways and ill-contempt for him and his mother, to become a devoted and loving husband and father and provides all that his family needs. He is a hard worker, doing what is necessary to provide a structured, stable and caring environment for our children to grow up in. As their father, he is also an advocate, disciplinarian, mentor, and teacher to our children. He sets an exemplary example for our son for what a strong man is all about, and does the same for our daughter as well, showing her that a real man not only protects and provides for women, but also respects and uplifts her as a queen as well. He is an amazing husband and God has truly blessed me to share my life and our children with him.
I live in North Carolina and where I’m from you don’t really hear everyday about how good our men and women are doing. I want to encourage my sisters to give glory to God for those men out there who ARE doing what’s necessary to be a real man, and let us lift up our brothers and let them know that we DO love them and we are PROUD of them. I know that there isn’t a lot of positive light shed on our community, especially to black men and I want to lift up my voice and say “I love you!” to all my strong black men out there putting it down and doing what you have to do to show your children the way out of the darkness, and letting them know that we don’t have to live that stereotype that is so often cast on us. I tell my babies everyday: “You ARE somebody. And you will do GREAT things in this lifetime because you are blessed.” I think that as we lift up our men and embrace our sisters, we can once again rebuild those strong ‘family-community’ ties and raise our children together to be respectable and honorable members of society!
December 20th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
We live in Ohio and I’m blessed with one son, now 30yrs. old. He married a beautiful young woman with two children from a previous relationship and after eight years, they were blessed with a son. His / our first child. After my uncle died from leukemia in 1971, I raised my 8yr. old cousin, who graduated from college 4.0 she now works for the gov. in HR.
I was a single parent and loved every minute of it. My ex lived as close as 3 blocks from our son, but he never took the time for him, except on holidays. Our son never wanted for any material things. I should of owned stock in M J’s gym shoes. His father always provided him with the best that money could buy. But never a football game or practice, basketball game, father-son day at school not-a bit of interest in him when it came to him physically being in his life. I never lied or talked ill of his dad, because I knew in my heart that sooner or later the Lord would allow my son to see and hopefully accept his father the way he was / is. My son even to this day craves for his dad’s love, approval and respect. I finally explained to him, that all men are NOT meant to be FATHERS.
I know this for a fact because; I too crave my father’s love, approval and respect. My dad is a great father, as long as we agree with everything he says, thinks and does. My mom (bless her precious soul) passed away last year and she told all of her nine children, that we can’t change people that don’t want to be changed (speaking of our father). Momma always told us to Love daddy from a distance. Otherwise, we’ll be hurt over and over again.
God put Mike, my husband into my life approx. 10yrs. ago and he’s the best husband, provider, friend, and lover and most important of all, he’s the best FATHER for my son. The love and respect they have for each other is a site to see. They go to all the Cavs and Browns games together. He believes in quality time with family, so we spend a lot of time traveling from Tampa to Toronto, from Virginia Beach to Seattle, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Des Moines, Chicago and back home until the next vacation comes up. He now has our son golfing with him………….what a wonderful father he is.
So now you see why, my husband doesn’t understand why I continue to stay in daddy’s life. Heck most of the time I don’t understand myself. At 82yrs. old I just can’t believe he enjoys being as evil as he is. One would think he’d begin to mellow out, but not our pops.
So I’m saying all this to say…….Some men could care the least about being a father.
December 30th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
My name is Celso, I am a loving father of 2. Growing up, I had an absent father, he was around, but not all that active. I think he said he was working, nevertheless, he was out most of the time. He officially bounced out of my life when I was 16 and my mother passed away. On that day I lost my mom, who was pretty much playing the role of both mom and dad. Till this day, I don’t have that father son relationship with my dad, who by the way I share not only his name but the same birthday as well…
January 1st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I just started reading The Bond….Chapter One is an awesome chapter. Dr. Jenkins did a wonderful job telling us his story. Chapter One…is a tear-jerker, I could easily relate to Dr. Jenkin’s issues. As I stated in Sept., my issues are with my mother being an absentee parent. I have to re-establish a relationship with her.
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:23 am
10 Ways to be a Better Dad
(more information on available online at www.fatherhood.org)
1. Respect your children’s mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father’s job is never done.
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:25 am
People are Saying Great Thing about…
THE BOND
“Doctors Davis, Hunt and Jenkins know how vital it is for all children to have relationships with both their father and their mother. Every parent should read THE BOND because it highlights the power of forgiveness and drives home the fact that it’s never too late to be a family.”
— Bill Cosby
Click to Purchase
Click to Email
January 8th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
My name is Darius and I loved your book the pact. I liked it so much because it made me want to make one. It was cool the way you put your personal life style in the book. And also I liked the Epolouge.It shows how you make and wat it making a pact deals with.
January 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Dear Doctors: My class is currently reading your book THe PAct in Chicago Illinois and we have a few questions that we would like to ask .
1. Was it hard to leave your ‘hood ‘ friends in order to keep your pact?
2. Out of all the things that you could have been why did you choose to become Doctors?
3. Did you ever feel like breaking the pact? What kept you together?
We would appreciate it if you would answer our questions.
January 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I am the youngest of four daughters. We grew up as Daddy’s Girls & for that I am SO thankful. My Dad continues to be my best friend. However, it was a challenge developing a relationship with my mother - bless her heart. Like you all, I have taken the steps to heal that relationship - and we get along well, now. But it continues to amaze me the impact that ones early relationship with a parent will have on your OWN intimate relationships. I thank The Creator for the work that is being done through the three of you! I’ve read ALL of your books and recommend them to everyone EVERY chance I get. I must say that The Bond is you’re most powerful!
January 16th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I am no longer a single mother but for 8 years I was. My daughters dad was a drug abuser and spent some time in jail. It was a difficult decision to continue to let him have some part of her life but now that she is 15 I am glad I did. It was always supervised visits and I was always the one who made the decisions in her life but now that he has cleaned up and gotten on the right track my daughter knows her dad. He has been a part of her life always and can teach her many things that as a woman I cannot. He may not have always been a strong figure in her life, and even now he and I disagree on many aspects of her life, but he has always been present in some capacity. My daughter is now 15 and doing great in one of the best schools in the state. I am greatful that although it was alot of work for me, that her father was present in her life. Fall River, MA
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
WOW, you guys life story is amazing. When I am grown I also want to go to medical school and get in the medical field. I want to become a plastic surgeon. And, just hearing you guys story made me remember how my and my friends all want to stay together and go to medical school in Atlanta Georgia. I want to attend Brown University and so do some of my other friends. But my grandmother was the one who pointed your website out, because I went to a seminar at Flintridge Baptist Church. But to make a long story short, you all remind me a lot like my friends and I.
January 26th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Dear Three Doctors:
I started your book yesterday and just finished reading it. It was wonderful! I believe it will inspire generations of fathers in our communities. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I was fortunate to have my father in my life and it truly made a difference in becoming the confident and successful woman I am today.
I am so proud of all of you and wish you supreme success.
Peace and Love,
DNA
New York, NY
February 14th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
The success of the three doctors has made me realize that there is nothing that you cant accomplish no matter what the obstacles are. I am in the process of starting my medical training to become a radiology tech here in Ft. Lauderdale Florida and at 45 years of age I realize it is never to late to begin a new chapter in your life. I recently suffered a stroke in October of 07 and realize that life is short and you must seize opportunities,be proactive and dont let any obstacle stop you. I put my wife through nursing school and raised 4 children ages 23 21 13 11 so it can be done. I had my father for the first 13 years of my life hed the greatest impacton me because of his devotion to family and his hard work ethic. There is untapped greatness in all of us with the potential to be whatever we want to be. Thank you three doctors for your inspiration and may you foundation continue to have success. Victor from Ft. Lauderdale.
March 2nd, 2008 at 8:31 am
I have read the book ‘We Beat the Streets’ and I loved that book. At first I wasn’t going to read it but my teacher started this book club and I joined so I had to read it. But once I started I couldn’t stop. If she didn’t make us stop at the 7th chapter than I could have the whole book. The chapter that I remeber most was that one chapter were Rameck spray the silly sting in his techers face. But what suprise me was she didn’t press charges. I have read so many books this last year but this was the BEST book I have EVER read and I read for fun. You any beat the Harry Poter books. I love you guys!!!! Keep writing and be safe!!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
You men are amazing and an inspiration! Thank you so much for your willingness to be transparent and share your story. It certainly shows that we need our families and a good support group/friends to reach our potential. My father was a great inspiration to me, and it helps me greatly to recall his faithfulness when I at times get weary of the responsibilities.
Lewis Codington
father of 9
Franklin TN
March 13th, 2008 at 1:42 am
While I now live in the Kansas City area, I grew up in Detroit, MI. Like The Three Doctors, I graduated from high school in 1991, so I can relate to many of the issues that they mention in their books. This is the reason that I admire all of you so very much. In addition to beating the odds, you are doing something that very few really successful people seem to do - you are giving back to your community. Not losing sight of who you are makes you even more admirable. I hope that when and if you decide to become fathers that you remain the example in your own homes that you have set for so many other people.
I am now a divorced single mother of three beautiful sons. I am fortunate because I am college educated and able to take care of my children. I encourage my sons to have a relationship with their father because it does not matter how I felt about or what I think of him; they have the right to love him. Because our relationship was tumultuous at best (he was physically abusive), and he often says ugly things about me to the boys, encouraging a relationship with him is difficult at times. As a woman, I understand what it is like to have a tenuous relationship with an ex-spouse. However, loving your child/children means allowing them the opportunity to love and explore both parts of who made them who they are. It is a lesson that my ex has not learned, but one that I try to practice daily.
I know that it is often a challenge, but do your best to put yourself aside and do what is best for your children, boys and girls. Every young woman needs a strong male role model as does every young man.
May God Bless all of you gentleman. Keep up the good work!
March 19th, 2008 at 2:25 am
I’m writing to say The Bond is one of the best inspirational books I have had the pleasures of reading. I recommend it be made available to every minority out there. This book is not only inspirational for young men but young women as well. I purchased this book with my youngest son in mind. Brandon is an above average 15 yr old who seems to have a lot in common with George. Every since he was in Kindergarten he has said he would like to be a doctor some day. Now that he is older he has developed an anxiety disorder. He has panic attacks and has a hard time being around crowds. In hopes of helping him to stop missing so much school, I bought this book in hopes that it will inspire my son to keep trying. He is going through a hard time worrying about how his parents could possibly afford to pay for his education. Fortunately for Brandon his father is in the home and does everything he can to provide for him. But it just doesn’t appear to him that it is going to be enough for him to accomplish is goals. If you have any words of advice for Brandon, I would love to hear from you. His father works 7 days a week 365 days out of the year. He doesn’t want to let him or his-self down.
March 19th, 2008 at 2:36 am
I forgot to mention that brandon was one of the youngest people who was hired to volunteer at the University of Colorado hospitals in Denver Co. He has the job of cleaning the medical equipment in the hospital. He had hopes of becoming a surgeon when he gets older. Now he has become depressed and has a feeling of hopelessness. I don’t have insurance. I’m not able to seek medical help. So I am trying to figure this out without professional help.
April 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I know what you mean about a father figure because of the relationship i have with my daddy but keep up the good work
April 20th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Drs.
I have read both of your books and I applaud you. Not only are you there for our community but the bond you have with each other is shown throught the books.
I am a single mother of a 15 year old son. He is a wonderful kid that gives me no trouble. His father has chosen not to be a part of his life because of the negative lifestyle that he lives.
I also grew up without a father but since he was violent it was a plus. Drs. again I have to give you props because you are levelled and persistent men.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
i haven’t been here for a while. i see that maggie above hopes that i found God and learned to deal with my anger for the world. don’t feel sorry for me maggie. i’m just pointing out the reality for many black boys in america. as a writer, i’m glad,i was able to transmit that. like so many black men in america, i’ve dealt with the american reality since the first days i arrived at newark international airport as a 9 year old. i don’t think maggie read where i was coming from. it certainly wasn’t from anger or hatred towards black women. a long time ago, i made sense of the american reality for the black boy and survived the traps laid out for us. i’m not just talking about the corner stoop to prison pipeline. i’m talking about emotional atrophy, disconnection with the self, issues of identity and personal worth. that’s where i was coming from. i talk about these things and more here www.youtube.com/user/bygINCpresents. spend the time tp hear my story, maggie, or anyone else. see what’s happening to so many brothas who never make the transformation i willed myself through as an adolescent.
i invite maggie or whomever to come and watch and listen to the story of a black boy’s struggle to define manhood in america www.youtube.com/user/bygINCpresents.
May 25th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Just would like to recommend some other books for parents, especially single mothers raising black boys:
1. Countering the Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys -Jawanza Kunjufu
2. Bringing the Black Boy to Manhood: the Passage -Nathan & Julia Hare
3. Crisis in the Village: Restoring Hope in African American Communities -Robert M. Franklin (the newest president of Morehouse College)
These are just three titles that I found eye-opening and they are quite easy reads. Jawanza and The Hares both offer other titles that are just as crucial. I hope that these are helpful to parents.
_____________________
23 year-old recent electrical engineering graduate looking to increase the number of culturally responsible Black engineers (starting in our elementary schools) while pursuing the doctorate
*no children but uncompromising commitment to the children of our community
My Daddy has always been “Superman” in my eyes
May 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
WOW
I am very young and my grades… well lets just say I’m not making A,Bs or Cs. I am very ashamed of this but just like you where I live is not very good. I’m reading your book and it is very inspiring. It makes me think of what I could be. Like maybe I won’t end up like my mom and be another teenage mother or be another single parent. Ya know I guess out here you never know if your friends are fake, after your man or just using you to get what they really want. My mom has 8 children and is married now. ( I wonder or doubt it’ll last, she does not seem to happy) But I don’t want to be like that I want to be someone who is married once. I want to be a famous writer or even an actor. I want to go on after my death ya no. But that would be very rare so until then my goal is to be one of the first lawyers from my hood. That would be great. I never really had a father figure I guess I have my big brother but maybe I should not look up to him. Anyway I want to be someone my little brothers and sisters will look up to. When I’m older tI wan them to brag to all their friends about me, not because i got money for sellin’ stuff but for for accomplishing my goals.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Hello, my name is Shaikila Hairston. I am from Columbus, Mississippi. I am 14 years old but I will soon be 15 on July 14th. No, I am not a father, but I grew up without one and I am still growing up without one! Well I have a stepfather, but nothing’s better than to have your birth father with you every step of the way, well thats what I thought when I was little. But now that I am old enough to know what a father is and what he does, it don’t really matter if it’s my father or my stepfather! I know who my father is, but I might as well not because he stays in jail. My mother is my mother and my father as well as my stepfather: he’s been a good father figure to me and I thank him for that! I thought that since my father was in jail that I might end up in there but I have decided to live my life with God my savior! After reading your book “We Beat the Streets” I figured I can do the same, but I am not in the condition ya’ll were in growing up as a kid. I just want to say thanks for writing all your books because I know they help more then just me!!
July 7th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Your statement “They say the backbone of the community is the family. Unfortunately, far too many families lack the essential father figure” rings so loud for me. I was raised in a fatherless home w/ 3 sisters. My mom did a great job raising me but there was always something missing. There was always a void that was never filled. I recall getting a call from my dad my 2nd year in college which lasted all but 5 minutes. After that call, I think I cried for 2 hours striaght. I could not understand where he had been and why he was calling me. It was at that moment that I said I would create a different future for my family and the generations that follow. I was going to do my part for the community and set the example that it can be done. Not by the skin of my teeth but I was going to do it intentionally and with purpose. I share your vision to bring about change and that is why I have written my book, Go Whisper. There are so many children living in fatherless homes and they need to be encouraged and empowered. They need a healthy self-confidence, a healthy self-esteem and a healthy self-image to understand that they do not have to follow in the footsteps of their parents but that they could chart a new course that will make a difference to them and those that come after them. Just as Bill Cosby and Dr. Poussaint talks about in their book, COME ON PEOPLE! 10 WAYS TO BE A BETTER DAD from the post above says it all - doing these things will create that family BOND that will yield great results for the generations after you…let this speak to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP0LgiXITUE. To all parents, you have the ability and the talent use change as an opportunity. Let’s build family BONDS that will stand the test of adversity and reap the benefits of laughter, love, respect, honor, faith, confidence, etc - FAMILY! Family is made in Heaven but maintained on Earth. I’m doing it and so can you. I’m married 10 years to my beautiful wife and we have 2 awesome kids, 7 & 3.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Hello All, and may I say wonderful posts and responses. My name is Giacomo Knox and I too grew up in Newark, NJ. An acrimonious divorce between my parents sent my mother and sister and I to Seattle, WA for seven years. We then returned to Newark in 1981. Sadly many of my peers ostracized me for “talking and acting white”(the gift of living in an all-white neighborhood in Seattle), so in addition to the not having a father around to keep me strong, I had very few black male friends.
As a few of us remember, Newark was part of the dawning of the crack cocaine epidemic during the 1980s, and navigating those waters in a fatherless ship was very difficult. My mother is a goddess among women - she managed to keep me and my sister safe and sane, while we attended Seton Hall Preparatory School and Marylawn of the Oranges respectively. But perhaps we didn’t need to struggle so badly? Perhaps if we had struggled as a family with my father, I could have been a “real man” a bit earlier? These are the questions I now struggle with at age 39.
As it turns out, Seton Hall Prep and University, and 5 years in the Marines helped me make the transition into manhood. I now live in Los Angeles, and work in the Entertainment Industry as an actor, writer, and stunt performer.
I have since forgiven my father, and we have spoken on the phone several times. This summer we are planning to meet for the first time in 33 years, and I will produce our meeting as part of a reality show that will be called “A Week With My Father.” The website will be up and running by next week, so please feel free to check it out.
My goal is to get black men and their fathers to meet and spend a week together, and foster a sense of understanding and forgiveness between the two men. A secondary goal would be to get all men of any ethnic background to reconnect with their fathers, whether they appear on the show, or are inspired by watching it. I hope you readers will be inspired by my show as well, and support my cause. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Where do I live? I currently reside in Richmond, Va temporarily! Are you a father? No! Who was your father figure growing up? My biological father!
I’m just going to say that the issue today with our youth are lack of men! I say that there are a bunch of guys but not enough men! A lot of the young guys are going astray due to lack of direction and having to be all these different things to their mothers! Another thing that I realized is that a lot of these father’s need to spend one on one time with their children and get to know them and love and support them no matter what! And yes we all know that “money solves all things” but there is more to supporting someone than money! We are human beings and we need emotional support! There are certain things a mother cannot do for a boy or a man! Also, many women need to realize that it is them sometimes when it comes to these boys and not them! A lot of parents do not look at themselves and the things that they say or do in which it affects the child! Moreover, when it comes to father’s and girls, the father need to show that affection so they won’t grow up and use sex as a tool of receiving a love that they never received! The father shall be the first one to take them on a date and I call them daddy and me days! Lastly, parents and adults need to listen to the youth because sometimes all they want you to do is just listen! They need to be heard! Plus, nowadays the children are being born more wiser and we have to rid of this disconnect going on which is why many things are the way that they are! Those of each generation are not communicating with one another or attempting to understand and accept one another! Once we all do this then things will look more brighter!
Peace and Thanks
July 28th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I live in Alabama. I am a mother of five (one deceased) and grandmother of four. My father was married to someone other than my mom. She said no to his marriage proposal. I don’t know why. We had a good relationship but I really wished he had been there more in the formative years when I was going up.
I can relate to your stories when it comes to my two boys’ father. They are 22 and 25 yrs old now and really don’t have a relationship with him. Even though he lives with the 25 yr old. When we divorced when the boys were in elementary school I never stopped him from seeing them or spending time with them. It was all his choice and the excuse he makes is because the marriage didn’t work out. He was angry at me but he took it out on the kids.
Your book needs to be a much read for every man. I was very inspired and learned more of what I can do from the mothers point of view. I have four granddaughters whose father is not in their lives. I make it a point to be more available in their lives and do what I can. My daughter does have a live in boyfriend, but there is nothing like your own dad being their for you.
God Bless and keep up the good work.
July 29th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
You are an inspiration to us all
July 29th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I was very impressed with the information regarding the three of you - May God Bless you and that you continue helping all of our young people for a brighter tomorrow
Minister Valerie Lewis
August 5th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I so admire you three men! I come from a similar background, and unfortunately, my father stopped being a consistent part of my life when I was about 10 yrs old. I admire every black man who stays active in his children’s lives. Sometimes I don’t think that they hear this enough, so big ups! By the way, I am on my way to applying to PHD programs, and I have no doubts I will make it through. Thanks for candidly sharing your stories and providing folks with a blast of light. Be blessed!
August 9th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I am also a single mom of the most amazing daughter. I had nothing more than a high school degree under my belt when I became pregnant and watched as her father walked out the door,that was 17 years ago. I worked odd jobs just so I could buy diapers, shoes and food. Yes, this ment me going without on many occasions and at times it still does. I have always known that I want to make more of my own life than what it was/is. Two years ago, I decided to go back to school and earn a college degree. I am 2 semesters away from my associates where I will graduate with honors, then I will persue my bachelors degree. My daughter is also a few years from graduating and will be going off to college wanting to earn a degree in music or physics. Life can be just down right difficult at times, no matter where you come from or how much money you have or don’t have. Life is full of struggles, what if’s, and I wish I could….. Our children did not ask to come into this world any more than we did. We laid in that bed, and now we get to sleep in it. If parents, mothers and fathers alike would just stick around long enough, they just might find that things do work out, and things can get better and that child that they walked out on is really a really amazing kid. I also have two sick parents, full time job, daughter and school. I am tired too. I also know that if I want things to get better, it is up to me to change it, not walk away from it.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Hello,
My name is Shala and I enjoyed reading The Pact and The Bond. I recommended the books to many people and several people came up to me and said, “Thank you for the recommendation…I really enjoyed the book…” Hopefully, they are recommending the books to others as well… I am a single 36 year old Christian professional female who resides in York, Pa. I do not have any children. My father figure was my stepfather of 30 years whom I affectionately call dad because he did all of the “Daddy” things, therefore I never had to want for anything and I lived a privilaged life. My ultimate father is God and Jesus is my Savior…I am not writing to give a testamony, I want to share a profound quote by Jawanza Kunjufu.
A quote from State of Emergency: We Must Save African Males by Jawanza Kunjufu:
“ I believe the greatest problem facing Black America is not racism, economics, or fatherlessness, but the lack of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ….A man who makes Jesus Christ his example is a man who will be incapable of ever abandoning his children. There is a tremendous difference between salvation and fellowship. Once a decision for Christ is made, salvation is instant. Fellowship is an on-going process that last forever…. The demon driving fatherlessness is a separation between God and man. Satan knows that when you save a man you save his family.”—Jawanza Kunjufu
Doctors Davis, Hunt, and Jenkins keep up the great work. I love and admire what you are doing. You are great role models!
May God Bless You,
Shala
August 12th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Hello,
This is Shala again. I want share a list of great books to add to your library.
***means that I highly recommend the book. Happy readings!
Shala
• Gods Leading Lady by TD Jakes***
• He-Motions: Even Strong Men Struggle by TD Jakes ***
• 7 Secrets Women Need to Know by PB Wilson***
The Mind Matters by Jerry M. Kelly ( excellent!) ***
• Understanding the Purpose and Power of Prayer by Myles Munroe ***
• Understanding the Purpose and Power of Vision by Myles Munroe ***
• Maximize the Moment by TD Jakes (excellent)***
• Woman Thou Art Loosed by TD Jakes***
• Loosed that Man and Let Him Go by TD Jakes (for men)***
• Eternal Victim, Eternal Victor by Donnie McClurkin***
• It’s Never Too Late by Zachery Tims ***
• Reposition Yourself by T.D. Jakes
• Understanding the Power of Women by Myles Munroe***
• Understand the Power of Men by Myles Munroe ***
• Understanding Your Potential by Myles Munroe***
• The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren ***
• The Pact by Drs. Sampson Davis, Rameck Hunt, and George Jenkins (excellent)***(refreshing)
• Gifted Hands by Dr. Ben Carson***(this was my favorite book in college)
• Think Big by Dr. Ben Carson***
• Restoring the Village: Solutions for the Black Family by Jawanza Kunjufu***( he has an interesting perspective on the nigger spirit—he speaks the truth)
• Countering the Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys by Jawanza Kunjufu***( I found out about this book from reading The Pact and I was inspired to read Mr. Kunjufu’s other books)
• Who is Gonna Take the Weight by Kevin Powell(excellent)***(I think he is a passionate and great writer)
• Inner City Miracle by Judge Greg Mathis (excellent)***
• Keeping Black Boys Out of Special Education by Jawanza Kunjufu***
• Voices in the Mirror by Gordon Parks(excellent)*** (He inspired me in many ways. He was a true renaissance man!)
• The Ditch Digger’s Daughters by Yvonne S. Thorton, M.D.
• The Bond (excellent) by Doctors Sampson Davis, Rameck Hunt, and George Jenkins ***(They are nothing but the truth. They never skip a beat!)
• Up From Slavery by Booker T. Washington *** (He was an awesome man)
• We Beat the Street by Doctors Sampson Davis, Rameck Hunt, and George Jenkins***( The Pact for children. Check out the adorable pictures!)
• Letters to a Young Brother by Hill Harper *** (This is a well rounded brother. What more can you ask for? Check out his credentials)
• Someday We’ll All Be Free by Kevin Powell***( He is very passionate about his views. He speaks from the heart)
Come On People by Bill Cosby
August 15th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Shala
York, Pa
Hello All,
After listening to The Jesse Peterson Show (you have to listen to Jesse Peterson with an open mind—www.bondinfo.org ), I checked out his guest’s website and it seems very interesting and appropriate for this round table. The guest’s name was Demitri C. Kornagay and he penned a book titled, Man Up! No Excuses Do the Work. On his website, he has a 12 week program showing males how to become men. Visit his website www.Nerokorn.com to find out more about Demitri C. Kornagay.
Edward Foxworth is another person to learn about. He is the author of It’s Just Dominos which is about the ills in urban communities. As I receive more information, I will share it with you. You will hear more from me. Be blessed.
Shala
Without vision the people will perish…
“People do best what they do most”—Edward Foxworth
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I loved the book my school counselor gave it to me over a year ago and I just read it a few days ago.Now I feel so dumb for not reading it sooner.I can relate to this book a lot.My life has not been at its best lately and “We Beat the Streets” was a big inspiration.
LaRisa Hurse
Indianapolis,IN
October 20th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I just stoped by to let you three know im reading one of your books, The Pact. Its great, it really reminds me of what New Jersey was like when I lived there. Keep writing books because ill read them. Later guys, Peace
October 20th, 2008 at 8:42 am
i really enjoyed ya’ll book “We Beat The Streets.” i am waiting to read “The Bond” and “The Pact.” while reading We Beat The streets it really made me look at the way i act and it made me want 2 change my life around because i woldnt want to end up in jail for the stupid mistakes i am doing. i think that ya books are so inspiring and i cant wait to read the rest of ya’ll books. i hope ya keep writing books 2 inspire young kids 2day because those types of books will help uas change our ways and will help the young kids set role models for other people. once again thank all 3 of ya for inspiring me 2 change me life. i also want to say in some parts of the book it relates to my life and i now know what 2 do when i am about to do sumthing wrong.
November 6th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Hi, I saw all a bit of your interview on Oprah last year and was intrigued. Last week I was at Barnes and Nobles looking for a book for teachers to study to take a test and bumped into your book “The Bond” at a price that I could not refuse (lol). Anyway I bought the book and finished it in three days because I could not put it down. Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed your book.
I must say I felt a connection to all three of you. I am originally from Jamaica. I grew up with my paternal grandmother, without both parents but with monetary support from my mom who was in the United States since I was two. In any event long story short my mom finally got her three children (I am the middle child) to the United States. I was 16 at the time. I came finished high school in the Bronx and went off to college. I felt the loneliness, I had no idea of what was going on. I basically felt my way through college because I did not know the system and my mom had no way of helping me. I was shy and reserved but let nothing stands in my way of education because I know that I did not want to struggle the way my mom a single mom did.
I must say my father did one thing that I think was unforgivable and I hated him for years, but one of my best friend said to me you are in the United States hating someone who does not know you are hating them. He said to me forgive him and you will feel better. My mom would taunt me by saying you are just like your dad and I would boil because I did not want to associate with him and she knew it would get to me once she said that. I did forgave him and now when she say stuff like that I said well I got half my DNA from him and she keeps it moving. Anyway I struggled through college. I went to a two year in Upstate NY, then to Medgar Evers in Brooklyn and finally at Rochester Institute of Technology where I earned a Bachelor of Science in Biology. Now I have started my Masters in Biology to teach high school biology hence me going to Barnes and Nobles buying your book and the book I need to study. Not that I don’t go to Barnes and Nobles other times, the library is less expensive but when I want to keep a book I do pay for it like yours. Anyway, like all three of you I thought that it was a proud thing to raise your kids by yourself and for me I did not think much of it to have a father in the house. As a kid, I had friends with their dad in the house but I build my wall up and immune myself against such feelings. Now I am married and have broke the cycle of my mom of having children at a young age and out of wedlock. I must say too that I am proud of my sister for also breaking the cycle as well. Both of us are in our twenties and have no kids. Like I mentioned I am married but I don’t feel I am yet ready to have children.
I now live in the Rochester area and I planned on teaching high school starting next year if all goes well. I think the relationship between my father and I is beyond repair, unfortunately he broke the bond when he tried to molest me at thirteen. I am no longer afraid to talk about it because some people look at me on the outside and they think I have never had anything gone wrong in my life. I am a smiley person because I think a smile is better than a frown and it is easier to do as well. Also the way I carry myself. I am not angry at men and thank God I was not very promiscuous, like some other unfortunate young ladies. Example of that is a young lady in my church right now. She was molested by her grand uncle for three years. Unfortunately she is now pregnant for a seventeen year old boy who already have a two years old already. I shared my story with her but I think she was hurt because nothing happened to her uncle and our church knew about it and her family. He went on to marry another woman and is now in another church. I still try to talk with her to keep her spirits up.
Anyway, just wanted to share with all of you that I enjoyed your book and I am on the prowl for your other two books. May God continues to bless all three of you in your many endeavors. Sorry for the long e-mail.
P.S. Please don’t use my first name, could you use my initials if you are going to post my e-mail, S.S. V. Thanks.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I am a 38 year old African American womam. I was abandoned by my fateher at age three. My mother wanted me to know who my father was so we traved from NJ to OH when I was 10. I met my father for what I considered the first time because I had no recollection of him prior to the current meeting. I remember being nervous and shy. Unfortunately, the meeting did not change my reality or help to secure a better future. No support followed—not finanically, nor emotionally. My mother carried the torch alone by working back breaking factory work. I was 13 when my father died. I did not attend his funeral because my mother could not afford two tickets to Ohio and I would not go without her. I grieved and suffered the deepest loss I have ever experienced in my life. I grieved the loss of something I deeply yearned for (fatherly love) which was lost forever. Anger soon set in and it deepened at times when I needed protection most. Particularly when being preyed upon by men. In the end, I am still making up the difference from the lack of parental surrport from my father. Nevertheless, I made it through undergrad and law school in more years than it would take most. The most important thing is that I found strength in abandonment by drawing on positive role models. . .my mother being the first. I am sharing my personal pain because it is my hope that a young man or woman who shares my pain can gleam some strength and positive direction from my story. I am also sharing because I would like other fathers who followed my father’s patth might be deterred. Despite my experience, I know first hand that there are many strong and responsible fathers out there. I’ll end with giving props to them. Blessings! –Essie
November 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
To the three doctors, thank you for your time and effort in becoming role models for our young kids. I live in St. Louis, MO and am a high school English teacher. I am not a father at the moment but hope to be some day.
I have to say I had many role models growing up, buy my father was the most important. All the values that are important to me today were learned from him. He is actually going to be the best man in my wedding next year. I applaud all fathers, no matter age or race, who give support to their families and do what’s best for their kids.
November 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Hi! My name is Bria, and I am a sophmore at Highschool. I am 15 years of age. In english class we were told to read your book, ” The Pact.” I must admit, I did not want to read your book, but sense it was for a grade, I read it. Turns out your book inspired me. Espeally some of your stories told by you Rameck. There is so many times where I get side tracted in life, and so many times where I just want to forget about school and pursue a modeling career, but then I think about what good is that going to do for me honestly. I have always dreamed of becoming a pediatrician ever sense I was five years old. I want to do somthing that would help others as well. I always dreamed of attending Washington University that is located in Saint Louis as well. Rameck you had friends to help and support you, I have friends as well, but they seemed so wrapped up in my modeling careers. I dream of becoming a pediatrician like I had mentioned earlier, but school just becomes so discouraging at times, and biology is just difficult at times, I feel modeling is what I have to do. My main question is how did you stay so determined on what is good for you in the future? What can I do if my friend’s don’t support my true dream?????
November 25th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Hey,
I’ve been reading your book for my english class and i’ve been hooked since page one. Rameck seems to the one character I can relate to the most. For example, he’s really close with his grandma. I’m guessing he’s so close to her because she is the closest thing to a mother figure he has. I too have someone i look up to as a mother figure because my mother isnt in my life. This person is my aunt, altough she is gone now, there isnt a day that goes by that i dont picture her face or think of the things she would say to me in a certain situation. Anyways, i have a few questions..
1. How did George feel about not getting accepted into access med?
2. Did you ever see yourselfs where you are today when you were a teenager?
Thanks so much to sharing your experiences with us through this book. This really is an amazing story.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Hello,
My name is Twan and i read the book the Pact. I think this book is very helpful to many of my friends and people my age becaus it shows alot of good life traits and how not to quit when things get hard. The first thing that i noticed when reading was that even though all of the guys lived in the city a rough part of twon that ther was always some one there to look after you and help you, I have alot of people in my life that bring me up when i am down and i dont think I would be were I am if it wasnt for them. I have also had many things in my life that were very close to messing my life up. When I go into college I know that it is going to be very hard and I am ready for a challenge. I have a a couple of questions that i want to ask all three of the doctors also. 1. has the friendship of all you guys ever broken befor? 2. Have you ever owned a gun wile living in the city to keep safe of all the harm around you? 3.Do all of you live by each other now? 4. Who is the oldest? 5. Who would you guys consider the leader of the group? Thanks alot for your time for reading my blog and happy holidays.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Hello three doctors. I wanted to let you know I’ve have took a very strong intrest in you all , after reading a good influencing book of yours called the pact. The Pact had me thinking , if I want to do something in life, I have to work for it now , and go get it. The Pact also had me thinking about what friends of mine are the people I want to hang around , and do they want to do good things in the future like I do?I really enjoyed your book and I know you have influenced a lot of people to go and accomplish thier dreams. I am 15 years old and for me as a young person it was great seeing three young men, forming a pact and accomplishing it. But as I finished the book , I still had some questions I’d like to ask.
Garland was not always the good child growing up. What has he accomplishe now as a grown man. and what consquences have he served for any risk he’s taken?
With all the parties and drama going around in college, How did each of you three doctors manage to stay organized and focus to graduate and become a doctor?
Now with the accomplishment and becoming a doctor and putting out a book. Having money and a success for yourself still doesn’t buy you happiness or love so …. Are any of you married now and do you have children, if so , how or what do you tell them, to help them accomplish their dreams and become something in life?
November 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Dear Three Doctors,
My name is Rula and I’m a sophomore in high school. I’ve been reading your book The Pact for about a month now and I’m loving it. Not all books we read are fun and interesting like this one. we recently did this activity in class were we made a pact with another person, and it wasn’t easy because it really got us thinking about the future. Enough about me, I have a few questions about the book for you guys if you don’t mind. How was the experience you guys had together at Seton Hall University’s Pre-Medicine/Pre-Dental Plus program? Do you think it was more fun because all of you guys were together? Or would have it not mattered if one of you didn’t go to Seton Hall University’s Pre-Medicine/Pre-Dental Plus program? And I know u guys also went threw a rough childhood, so do you guys give your best and all to your kids?
November 25th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I am a 15-year-old female. I am currently a sophomore in high school and I have no children. I have no idea what it is like to grow up without a father. However, I have read “The Pact” and that book, by far, is the greatest I have ever read. I’m impressed at how you guys made it through the struggle without a single scratch or bruise. How does it feel to be so successful in persuing a career that you made a vowel to work hard to get?
I am an underground rapper and singer and I have been trying to persue a career in the music industry since I was 9 years old. This is one of the reasons why I really enjoyed the chaper in The Pact, “Rap”. The only difference, really, between me and you three doctors is your parents allowed you to chase what you wanted. My mother won’t so much as let me tour a recording studio. I feel like everybody who is trying to persue that same career is going to get it because they are allowed to do whatever it takes to get there.
I really admire the fact that you three doctors did not give up on life like the majority of people you guys’ age would have. George, I was really shocked that you even still wanted a father-figure in your life after your stepdad just up and left like that. Sam, I’m sorry that you and your brother had to sit there and watch your parents fight almost all the time. Rameck, it’s very sad to know that you had to cope with both of your parents being on drugs. That must have really sucked. But once again, all three of you are still standing and you all are still strong. For that, you all have my respect.
I really look forward to reading your book, “The Bond”.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Hey, I am a sophomore in school and me and some of my friends are reading your book and so far we like what we have read. I just had some questions that I thought that you could help me with. My first question would be how you managed as a child or teen growing up with out your dad or a father figure around? I read that your moms were amazing and always did what was best for you in anyway possible. My second question would be what your motivation to stay focused?
November 25th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I am a sophomore in high school. I am not a father but when I become one I will stay with my children unlike My father who abandoned my mother and I before I was even born and is not in contact at all and does not pay child support. But my father is not important. What is important is what I learned when I read your book “The Pact” and was amazed at the dedication that three young men from the streets of Newark had in them. What events inspired you to keep the pact strong no matter what challenges you were faced with? Do you think that you could have succeeded in becoming doctors without the support and help that you had from your friends, family, and counselors? After reading “The Pact” I was inspired to pay more attention to my studies and put more time and effort into my school work.
November 25th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I am a sophomore in high school and we are reading your book “The Pact” in my English class. My group and I are going to be asking you questions to try and better understand things about your life. My first question is why did you want to become doctors? What would you guys do in your normal everyday lives aside from what is already in the book? Did you ever think about being anything other than doctors? Why did you decide to become the doctors that you are?(dentist, surgeon etc.) Even after you three made the pact why would you do things that would potentially ruin the pact and your dreams for all three of you?
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
well i just read the book the pact and i thought it was phenomenal. it reminded me a lot of myself when i look back because the things thpse three men went through are the same that i had to endure when i was coming up in the projects. i went on to graduate from college and recieve a masters degree so this story was very personal. The difference i have is that my father has been in my life since i was born. I am 26 years old now and i speak to my dad every single day. I cant imagine my life being the same if that man was not around so i understand how that can lead to us as african americans losing young children. I am a teacher and i see first hand the pain caused to children when their fathers are not in their life.this is like a disease and we need to do something to try and cure it. I am now the proud father of a 2 year old girl ( im potty training her as im writing this). i dont understand how a man could leave his child not knowing what is going on with them. My daughters mother and i are still together although things are not always smooth and at times i think we are not going to make it. but no matter what happens between her and myself i will never abandon my daughter because at the end of the day she is basically all i have. she is my everything and all things
January 6th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I am writing from South Africa. In Dec 2008 I was on vacation in the US with my family. I happened to pick up your “The Bond” book at at an airport bookstore. Once I started reading I could not put it down. In a way it reflected my life the way I grew without a father.
I grew up in Soweto under the harsh apartheid regime but I somehow managed to end up in college and graduated with an electrical engineering degree. Just like you guys I made a decision that I will not subject my children to what I went through. On 10 Jan 2009 I will be celebrating 25 years of marriage to my wife whom I met and married at college. We have two daughers one a college graduate and one still at college.
Just like one of you guys I did not know my fathers birthday nor do I know his family that well. However I have made a committment to trace my family tree including his side as well.
I have one issue that is unresolved, I impregnated a girlfriend that I had before I met my wife and we had a baby boy. Whilst at college my mother brought this boy up and when I graduated I brought I took responsibility for hisb upbringing by bringing him to stay with the rest of family. My two daughtes looked up to him as their big brother, however he walked out on us to stay with his mother but his life has not turned out well, he dropped out of school and his life really goinging nowhere. He has now comeback to try to reconnect with me and I have found the process very slow and difficult. He does not stay with me and we meet from time
I have given him your book to read and his comments have been very positive.
Keep up the good work and God bless
January 9th, 2009 at 10:53 am
this blog means alot to me because im a future parent and i just want to know how am i supposed to treat my child i never thought that i would get pregnant i told myse3lf i would never have kids but then here i go having a child im so scared i dntr knoew how to tell my parents i just am so scared iwant be able to care for my little onee and thst child means more tome than anyone i just want to know how to be strong like you fellas because you have thought me so much i just dont know where to go from here and i would rather die than give up my baby that would kill me more than anything i alid there so i feel i should take care of the blessing inside me im just as we say here rattled what if she doesnt like me or love me then what do i do im just so confused so if you could help me with some advice i would be so grateful and by the way i have read all of your books and they have all changed my life that i made all of my friends read them now i feel were all on one accord and i think that and my child are the only things i need righty now im going to be a single parent my so called babys dad doest waant anything to do wit this child so i need to be strong for the both of us
well blessed be
February 13th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Just saw the doc’s presentation in OKC yesterday and appreciated it very much.
I just hope our students did.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Wow! It has been approx a year and a half since the introduction of this blog and since I’ve submitted a comment. I am amazed with the responses. When I first read, “The Bond.” It bought back painful memories of my natural and adoptive father. Here is this book talking about forgiveness and reconnecting with your father. At first I was like, I don’t care to reconnect with my natural father. It’s his loss. Once I finished the book and released my resentment. I realized how liberating it is to forgive. A huge weight was lifted off me. I can honestly say that if I met my natural father tomorrow there is no bitterness or resentment towards him. I would welcome him into my life. Now, I’m not saying that I’m looking for him because I have an adoptive father who loves me. But I do want to say…Thank You to Sam, Rameck and George, my Dr. Friend’s, for opening my eyes to the world of Forgiveness!!
April 1st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
It took me to get married to know and TRULY understand how much I missed not having my father in the house when I was younger. My husband is absolutely the most wonderful father I have ever seen. Sometimes I find myself feeling a little envious of my children’s (especially my daughter’s) relationship with my husband. Then I commit that emotion to God and instead thank Him for blessing me with a real man who loves nothing more than pleasing God and taking care of his family. My husband, my black man, provides for his children not only financially, but with life lessons, instruction, discipline, prayer, and praise.
My sons are blessed to have their father as the positive role model in their life, and my daughter is blessed to have a father who shows her love and teaches her how she is supposed to be treated.
My husband shows me every day that not all black men abandon their responsibility as fathers. (Even though I suspected that before, I had no living example of that in my life.) So, I commend all of you who step up to the plate. Stay encouraged and be blessed.
Sarah from Tampa, FL Wife and mother of four. I did not have a father figure growing up.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:21 am
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